Saturday, May 25, 2013

Self-Acceptance Issues


Blogging Friends.... Thank-you for your comments on Wednesday's post. I truly appreciated it!! I feel the need to explain in a bit better detail exactly how my "emotional week of soul searching, growing, plus many, many, many mood swings" went. Oh. And I am also experiencing a withdrawal from writing!! {I apologize that this Blog post is not about Rose!! Stories shall come!!}
Self-acceptance. Life has a way of freely handing out opportunities to exercise this. In my experience, that is!! Unwanted learning disabilities. They require self-acceptance. Physical imperfections. They require self-acceptance. Pushing 30--in January!!--and never being a mother. It requires self-acceptance. Well, a certain part of my past--which shall not be revealed here--is no exception. It requires self-acceptance. See, my long-kept secret which I mentioned briefly last week? It was finally revealed Wednesday evening. When my all-knowing Mom virtually grabbed me. {Which was much-needed, by the way!!} I talked. And, she listened. Minus specifics, I must mention that this long-kept secret is nothing terribly bad. And years ago, I "buried" it so to speak. In a private journal. It was gone!! But I never expected this part of my past to return and haunt me. Oh, I wish it hadn't. Meanwhile, for nearly one month, I dreaded sharing the secret with my Mom. Then, being a "volcano", standing strong and steady until eventually "erupting", it wasn't until Wednesday, May 15th, when everything affected me. Not bad, huh? I stayed strong for probably three weeks!! Soon there were mood swings, tears, minor anxiety attacks, edginess, achy joints, loss of sleep, some days noshing on nothing but chocolate, and even a rant toward God. To which He just silently listened. And, if--if--I have lost any weight, it is only because whenever I'm stressed, I am wired!! Normal laziness is thrown "out the window", as that phrase goes. And I physically move around a lot!! Yes, all of this occurred during one freakin' week!! I made excuses in my head on why I should evade sharing the secret with my Mom. I am an expert at building avoidance patterns!! It's a problem. Because when my mind ran out of excuses of how not to share the secret, I just recycled them!! You know what? There are so many different ways to be in "prison". So many different ways. And I literally felt as though I'd incarcerated myself. Because, metaphorically speaking, I was chained up. But I am free now!! I'm happy!! And to think that a part of my past returned to haunt me on account of five minuscule words. Little. Miss. Secretive. Writing. Project. And now I hereby announce {Although I'm not promising that everybody will read it. Sorry. I have some big decisions to make regarding its future!!} Little Miss Secretive Writing Project!! It is my life story. Which nobody who I am in close proximity to has read. Yet. Perhaps sometime next week!! I am getting excited now!!
Self-acceptance. Life has a way of freely handing out opportunities to exercise this. In my experience, that is!! The other day, I had an appointment to a dermatologist. Because I have this scaly bald "patch" on my scalp. My self-described "snake skin". At the dermatologist's, we learned that it will not ever heal. Yep. My hair will never grow back there. The positive is that other strands cover it up nicely. But, the last thing my head needed was yet another physical imperfection. I already have twain surgically-created "cranio" scars!! Welcome to another lesson in self-acceptance....  
 

17 comments:

Molly The Wally said...

So that is your little secretive project. Will you publish? Why not? If you put it as an ebook we'd love to read it on our kindle. Don't fret just go for it. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Have faith you are a beautiful person and we all see that. Have a super Saturday.
Best wishes Molly

Raelyn said...

Molly....
Thank-you for the comment!!
"You are a beautiful person and we all see that.". You're so sweet, Friend!! ;)
"Will you publish?". Good question. Answer? I do not know. I think I'd like that. But I do not know. I hate to leave you on the lurch. But as I mentioned, I've some big decisions to make. ;op

Raelyn said...

Did I write "on the lurch"? Whoops!! I meant: "in the lurch"!! Hee, hee, hee.... ;op

Dip-Dip and the Bridge said...

I think we all have to sometimes accept things about ourselves that we would rather not. It's good that you have come to terms with what has been bothering you and let go. I'm sure writing about it has helped.
Lynne x

finnhoward said...

That was your secretive writing project? Hey listen, we agree with Molly, nothing to lose here with us. Glad you were able to talk to your Mom and that she listened.

Raelyn said...

Lynne....
Thank-you for the comment!!
"I think we all have to sometimes accept things about ourselves that we would rather not. It's good that you have come to terms with what has been bothering you and let go. I'm sure writing about it has helped.". True. And, yes, writing about what was bothering me did, indeed help!! I feel as free as a butterfly!! ;op

Raelyn said...

Finn....
Thank-you for the comment!!
Honestly? I haven't a clue why I kept the story of my life this cosmic secret!! It just.... Happened that way!! ;op

chicamom85 said...

I know how hard it can be to let go of those secrets, no matter how big or small. When we keep them in, we still have control over them. I have a hard time opening up and letting go as well. I applaud you for writing about yourself and letting go of things. Good luck and be strong. Beauty comes from within, I am a strong believer of that. When my daughter saw Beauty and the Beast(our favorite) for the first time, she cried when he turned into the prince. She wanted him to stay the Beast, because he had found his inner beauty and didn't need to change his appearance. Look in the mirror and see the inner beauty I know that you possess. You will shine!!☺♥♥♥♥☺

Anne and Sasha

Raelyn said...

Anne and Sasha....
Thank-you for the comment!!
"I know how hard it can be to let go of those secrets, no matter how big or small. When we keep them in, we still have control over them. I have a hard time opening up and letting go as well. I applaud you for writing about yourself and letting go of things. Good luck and be strong. Beauty comes from within, I am a strong believer of that. Look in the mirror and see the inner beauty I know that you possess. You will shine!!". This touched my deepest emotions, Friend!! ;)
Thanks for the hearts and smiley faces!! ;op

Tweedles -- that's me said...

I think your brave to talk about it,,,
i say go for it! jump the hurdles...
its all okay,,,and we all have hurdles.
love
tweedles

Raelyn said...

Tweedles....
Thank-you for the comment!! I truly appreciated it!!
"I think you're brave to talk about it... I say go for it! jump the hurdles... it's all okay... and we all have hurdles.". You are sweet, Friend!! ;op

Max Mom said...

Dear Raelyn,
((Hugs)).
Remember that you are a 'gift' to this world - perhaps try to internalise that notion: In the same way as you have described Rose as 'Beautifully unique', you can describe yourself that way too...as we all can. Yet we insist on comparing ourselves to others and try to mimic them. Why?
I know that things seem muddled sometimes. Keep it simple. "Live in the moment". You are "Ok"...
Sending lotsaluv
MAXMOM IN SA

Max Mom said...

ps. I think you may enjoy my daughter's recent blogpost...she's a little younger than you, but perhaps you can identify:
http://bobbinzwalk.blogspot.com/2013/05/free-as-phoenix.html
Sending lotsaluv
MAXMOM IN SA

Raelyn said...

MAXMOM....
Thank-you for the comment!!
Wow, everything that you have expressed are little "messages" which I've been learning of late!! God must truly want me to hear {Or read!!} this!! Thank-you!! ;op

Raelyn said...

MAXMOM....
Thanks for your daughter's Blog address, Friend!! I will check it out!! ;op

Ruby said...

You are just the way God made you- and he does NOT make mistakes! You are beautiful and such a blessing!!!!

Raelyn said...

Ruby....
Thank-you for the comment!!
"You are just the way God made you-and he does NOT make mistakes! You are beautiful and such a blessing!!!!". Thanks, Friend. I needed that message!! ;)
I missed you at church tonight. But I needed to stay home with Rose!! I wonder what their talent show was like? Do not tell Blondie, but I watched "The Little Mermaid" tonight while holding my girl on her leash. There were a few fireworks. But nothing like that extremely loud and incredibly close bomb, er, I mean bottle rocket, which occurred five minutes after Mom left!! Five freakin' minutes!! ;op