Monday, December 30, 2013


While I was absent from Blogville, working overtime to evade our dreaded, nasty, no fun at all stomach flu, {I am now officially feeling confident that I'm "in the clear", as that phrase goes!! Score!!} I'm afraid that I lost a dear Friend. Bridget passed away on December 23rd. As every animal lover knows all too well, euthanizing a beloved canine is the most difficult decision that any Mama {Or Daddy} can do. Why? Must I even ask? Losing a beloved canine truly feels as though you've just lost your child. And, sadly, only "dog people" understand such valid, profound, real thoughts/feelings/emotions. I get it. We get it. Bridge was Lynne's "Heart Dog", an irreplaceable just-like-her companion. So. In loving memory of Bridget, I dedicate this poem.

Swing on by to their Blog, {} and send your love!!   

~Unknown Author~
From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog,"
or "that's a lot of money for just a dog."
They don't understand the distance travelled, the time spent,
or the costs involved for "just a dog."
Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog."
Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog,"
but I did not once feel slighted.
Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by
"just a dog," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch
of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.
If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you probably understand
phrases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise."
"Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship,
trust, and pure unbridled joy.
"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience
that make me a better person.
Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look
longingly to the future.
So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog"
but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future,
the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.
"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts
away from myself and the worries of the day.
I hope that someday they can understand that its' not "just a dog"
but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being
"just a man" or "just a woman."
So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog,"
just smile,
because they "just don't understand."

Friday, December 27, 2013

Rose's "Fourth" Christmas

Blogging Friends.... I hope everyone enjoyed themselves a very Merry Christmas!! Ours was.... Interesting. Which is actually an understatement!! Was it happy? Merry? Yes and yes!! I received several nice gifts.... Some surprises, others asked for!! Christmas 2013 was quite different from previous holiday memories. Allow me to elaborate. The dreaded, nasty, no fun at all stomach flu has been working its way through our family. Which began with my youngest brother--Uncle Michael to Rose--at an ungodly hour. On Christmas Eve. That's right. But, rest assured, he was better and recovered come Christmas Day!! So, "the show must go on", as they say. Everybody else was seemingly "healthy". Thus, my oldest brother, sister-in-law, and twain nieces came over for Christmas gifts, dinner, plus fellowship!! Well. We "got through Christmas" sans anybody vomiting!! Then. The moment I., F., E. and H. drove away, my sister vomited. Next in line was Mom. Then Dad.... I am the only one left. This stomach flu has felt like some raging wildfire, and everybody in its reach are vulnerable trees!! Hunger pangs never felt more comforting....
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
"Rudolph with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
A blanket of freezing cold wet snow on Christmas is magical. To which I can't but agree. And, truth be told? I hoped for a "white Christmas". Which is very, very, very rare around here. Our last "white Christmas" was back in 2008 during a cosmic seemingly never-ending snowstorm!! 2008!! Every time I sang the lyrics to Irving Berlin's classic seasonal song? I hoped for a "white Christmas". Every time different versions of that song repeatedly played on our radio? I hoped for a "white Christmas". Secretly, I think I even prayed for snow!! But a foggy Christmas Eve? That, in its own uniquely mystical way, is equally magical!! Why? Because Santa "Claws" would--like in the song lyrics--truly need Rudolph's bright, shiny red nose to find people's homes!! And on Christmas Eve? God may have never granted us any snowfall. However!! Our outside world was engulfed in a mystical, magical, deep, thick, eerie fog!! And, as lyrics to "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" flew through my crazy, never-shuts-down head, I could not help but smile. I love, love, love fog!! Because I am an oddball!! Well, Santa "Claws" definitely had no trouble none whatsoever finding our address!! On Christmas Eve, we open our stockings, a new tradition as of last year. While everybody was digging through them, one by one, Rose acted "needy". She gets that way sometimes. I sorted through mental checklists within my groggy head of what I'd done for Rose. Did I forget something? I fed her. She had been outside. I provided her with attention. Then it suddenly occurred to me. We were all receiving gifts. Rose, in an almost human-like manner, was thinking this. Where's mine? She was seemingly feeling left out!! Thankfully, Santa "Claws" had already thought ahead!! He left Rose some crunchy duck biscuits.... Since the big jolly old dude knows that being a Beagle mix makes her part birddog!! Brilliant, Santa "Claws"!! The duck biscuits were well-received!! Come Christmas morning, Rose's red/white velvet-like stocking was literally bulging with toys and treats!! Rose received three different colored plush Lamb Chops from the old television show, "Lamb Chop's Play-Along", her most very favorite dog toy. Fuchsia. Neon Green. And the classic white. As treats, Rose received some crunchy chicken liver biscuits. Which was awfully thoughtful of Santa "Claws"!! Why? Because, despite my dog treat cookbook containing several chicken liver recipes, I will never, ever, ever bake any of them!! I am not brave enough to stink our kitchen up!! Rose received her home-baked pink/green "marble" treats. And, of course, those duck biscuits!! By the way? Rose likes her chicken liver biscuits. But she loves the duck!! On December 26th, I let Rose choose. Chicken liver? Or duck? Her ebony nose sniffed the un-open package of chicken liver biscuits. Very calmly. But the un-open package of duck biscuits? Rose's front legs jumped up, and she did a little "happy dance"!! Score on those, Santa "Claws"!! Rose has "chosen" duck over chicken liver as her favorite!! Now. As for Lamb Chop? I had wondered whether or not Rose would have a favorite one. First she chewed on Fuchsia Lamb Chop. Then Neon Green. And lastly? White. Like each one were her "babies", and as their "mother", she loves them all equally!! Rose is not playing "favorites"!! However. Although Rose has never been destructive with toys, Neon Green Lamb Chop sustained a badly ripped up back earlier this morning!! Oh well, these things occur. Dr. Mama will stitch her up shortly!!

Monday, December 23, 2013

The Picture

Blogging Friends.... Warning. This is yet another self-serving "therapy session". But with an unusual positive twist. Because. My minor mood swings lately have wanted so very badly to knock me off of my "bucking pinto horse" if you will. {More on "him" later? "He" is currently being created within my crazy head!!} But, as per usual, I have attempted to stay emotionally/mentally strong!! {Since before Thanksgiving!!} And my "bucking pinto horse" did, in fact "knock" me off, which was followed by a short-lived minor mood swing. I survived!! Because I am a survivor. And I'm back on my beautiful "pinto horse"!! Riding. So. I seriously need to dwell upon some "positive energy" right now!! Because, after all. There is always freshly sprouted trees growing among forest fire-blackened soot. {I have personally witnessed this firsthand!!} So, come. Sit. Have a cup of tea, coffee, soda, wine, or just plain water. Read on as God gradually works through my life....
"Minuscule is good!

Trust me, it’s much better than thinking everything you do is important and meaningful. That is not good.” --Robert Downey Jr.

"A picture is worth a thousand words." So they say. Well, as a writer, an artist who paints pictures with words, I always respectfully disagreed. Because "they" were incorrect. How can a mere picture be worth any words.... When we writers describe everything under the sun through vocabulary? I simply did not get it. But then. I saw it. "A picture worth a thousand words"? Indeed. Now. Because I am somewhat predictable, this picture is of Robert Downey Jr.!! It was snapped during his most recent G.Q. magazine photo shoot. Confession. I flunk terribly in all things fashion. Robert Downey Jr., being a dude of great detail, could most likely describe the clothing that he wore. Which, was probably rented!! He is cute like that. But I will just write this. Robert Downey Jr. wore a white shirt {Un-tucked!!} this black leather jacket, and a matching tie. How was that? Robert Downey Jr.'s facial expression? Now that I can describe in great detail!! Robert Downey Jr.'s facial expression was the look of crazed eccentric determination, his chocolate diamond eyes were wild {In a good way!!} his eyebrows formed this slight crease, {But he was not scowling!!} and his lips were sucked in to create an expression which his nearly two-year old son, Exton, can also make. Robert Downey Jr.'s stance? That I can describe in great detail as well!! While his left hand clasped the middle of that black leather jacket, Robert Downey Jr.'s right arm formed a fist pump. Was he striking some unique pose? "Dancing"? It does not matter. Because Robert Downey Jr.'s facial expression and stance? They are "worth a thousand words". Or, rather, three. See, Robert Downey Jr.'s facial expression and stance speak to me on a deeply profound level. As weird as that may sound!! It does, huh? Robert Downey Jr.'s facial expression and stance seemingly convey to me this message. "Yes, you CAN.". Loud and clear. Yes, you CAN.... What? Chase after every dream with abandon? Become a published author? Maybe. Maybe not. It is, however, a nice vote of confidence from Robert Downey Jr., albeit somewhat telepathically. Yes, you CAN.... What? Pour my heart and soul into creating fictional children's stories for "Minuscule is good!"? Unpublished or not? Write twelve "books" in 2014? Yes. Yes. And yes!! Thanks, Robert Downey Jr..... I need that little vote of telepathic confidence. If only you knew.          





Friday, December 20, 2013

Marble Christmas Treats

Blogging Friends.... Well, Santa "Claws" finished ordering around his elves {I am one of them!!} to bake Rose her treats today!! For Christmas is nearly here!! Treats needed baked!! Now. Santa "Claws" understands that I lack impulse control during Christmastime, and struggle with keeping holiday secrets. He also knows all about my dear Blogging Friends. How they love, love, love dog treat recipes. So!! Santa "Claws" has given me permission to reveal one of his elves' recipes!! Thanks, Big Dude!!
First things first. I have lost count of how many times I've heard Bruce Springsteen's rockin' version of "Santa Claus {Insert his attractive New Jersey accent!!} is Coming to Town" this Christmas!! Quite happily!! When Christmas is over, I'm afraid that I will suffer from some serious Boss withdrawals!! And chocolate....
You know how, as a rebel, I always break at least one rule while baking dog treat recipes? Well.... With this recipe? I broke every freakin' rule!! Oh well!! They turned out, anyway....?
 Rose would rate this recipe: Four 'paws' way, way up!! {Yes, she got a sample!! Two, actually!!}
Red {Pink, really!!} and Green Christmas Cookies
These biscuits are slightly more complicated {I kept quoting The Mandarin's line from "Iron Man 3". "It's complicated. It's complicated. Hey. It's complicated.". Because I am an oddball!!} to make than most other recipes in this book, but they're very pretty and make a great gift at holiday time! Hint: To save time, buy pre-washed spinach.
3 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup tomato juice {I gave Rose a taste. And she snubbed it!!}
2 tablespoons safflower oil {I used what we had. Which was vegetable oil!!}
1 1/2 cup loosely packed spinach leaves {I already know from previous experience that Rose will snub that vegetable!! Nothing pleases me more than to hide ingredients which she refuses in treats!!}
1/4 cup water
Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Blend the flour and cheese in a large bowl. {I just stirred it!!} Put 2 1/2 cups of the flour-cheese mixture into {a} food processor. Add tomato juice and 1 tablespoon of the oil. Mix together until a ball of red {Pink!!} dough forms. {It was quite crumbly, so I added several small spoonfuls of tomato juice!!} Remove the dough from the food processor and set aside. {Okay. We have a cheap, crappy food processor, so I just stirred everything in!! Note to self. Buy a good food processor!!} Rinse out the food processor bowl. Return it to the base and add spinach. Process to chop the spinach. {Uh.... Sans a well-working food processor, I chopped it by hand!!} Add water while the blade is going and continue to process until the spinach is finely chopped. Add the remaining 1 tablespoon of oil and remaining 2 cups of the flour mixture. Process to form green dough. {I just stirred and mashed it together!!} On a lightly floured surface, roll red {Pink!!} and green dough out, separately, into 1/4-inch-thick ovals. Try to make the ovals the same size and shape. {Okay. I did not fret over such a petty detail of rolling out ovals. I just tried my very best at making twain doughs with differing consistencies equal sizes!! Warning. It was much easier said than done!!} Stack the green oval atop the red oval and roll again. {I ran into a little issue regarding leftover dough. Ready? Once I was finished pressing my cookie cutters into the dough, its colors were completely inseparable. Completely inseparable. How on earth was I supposed to use the rest of my dough for treats? Answer? Mix the colors together like some small child with Play-Doh!! My result? Pink and green marble Christmas treats!! Cool!! Use cookie cutters to roll into Christmas shapes. {I have a stocking. One gingerbread man. A candy cane. One gingerbread woman. A Christmas tree. One snowman. A bell. And one holly leaf.} Place on a baking sheet covered with greased or non-stick foil. {Whoops, I forgot that little rule!! Oh well!!} Bake 25 to 30 minutes or until just starting to brown on top. {Ovens vary. But I did 30. However. If you are actually following the recipe's rules {Unlike me!!} I recommend the treats be flipped mid-baking for equal browning!!} Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator.
I baked 20 treats!!          


Tuesday, December 17, 2013


I was sitting on this very flat screened desktop computer the other night when I thought about my Blogging Friend, Serene. When I wondered how her sweet, Beautifully Unique "Cranio" baby, Jackson is doing. When I visited Serene's Blog in an effort to check up on them. When--as Elvis Presley was crooning "Here Comes Santa Claus" within my crazy head--I lost complete track of time. Because come on. Who hasn't stayed up past eleven attempting to encourage a Friend? I mean, really. And I felt this humble pang that I may be the only one among Serene's Blogging Friends who truly "gets" this family's craniosynostosis journey. Because my parents lived it. I put them through hell. I may blame having been born with craniosynostosis on my unwanted premature short-term memory loss and learning disabilities. But you know what? "It's a... terrible privilege.". In more ways than one. The very fact that my then-unsaved parents accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior due to my craniosynostosis. I am one out of 2,000. And, nearly thirty years later, I was staying up, as midnight silently lurked about, reading/commenting on a dear "Cranio" Mama's Blog. Tony Stark/Iron Man was right. One-hundred percent. "It's a... terrible privilege.".
{Taken from my Life Story!! As per usual, I made some changes for Beautifully Unique!! I hereby behold. Thoughts, feelings, and emotions on craniosynostosis from an adult "survivor"!!}
My scull did appear abnormally shaped, to say the least. (I might have described it as being "freakishly disfigured". But that is just me.) Because, eventually, the back of my skull--where parietal and occipital bones are located--protruded. It was a severe case. Our skilled neurosurgeon, Dr. J., had never ever witnessed such an unusually deformed skull in any baby at my age who was born with craniosynostosis. Based on research. The cause of this neurological birth defect is unknown. Sporadic. See, it is by "chance" that infants are ever born with craniosynostosis. Like the rolling of dice. Or some gambling game. In fact, this neurological birth defect affects one out of every 2,000 live births. Yes, one out of every 2,000 live births. I--among every other individual born with craniosynostosis--am like Heaven's poker game with chips, cards, chance, and money bet.
I must have been "chosen". For reasons beyond anybody's--beyond my own--comprehension. But not God's.
Alright!! Enough about me!! What am I, somebody who tends to make everything on this planet all about her?! Uh.... I work against that very character defect!! Moving on. This is an update {Of the sorts!!} on my Kindred Spirit "Cranio" Buddy, Jackson!! I wrote in Serene's comment that I'd "repost" her Blog post. Well.... It was very, very, very late!! Remember? I am not sure what I was thinking by writing that!! Anyway. Rather than reposting her entire Blog post, I will "cut to the chase" as that phrase goes!! Wait. As brevity is "not my style", I can't "cut to the chase"!! So. I will keep this post educational, as Serene's most certainly was!! Apparently, there are twain different surgical approaches for reconstructing sagittal craniosynostosis. "Total vault". And "endoscopic". I never knew that!! And of the twain forms of surgery used to reconstruct sagittal crainiosynostsis, Serene's first "Cranio" baby, Alayna had the more serious, invasive one--total vault--as she was older. The endoscopic form can only be done before four months old. Apparently, at Jackson's current age, the skull is only about 2 to 3 millimeters thick in certain places, allowing them to simply cut away the bone. However. By four months old, it is much thicker which is why the endoscopic form has to be done before then. I never knew that!! One day prior to Jackson's operation, he will get his blood drawn so that everything is set up in case that strong, resilient little dude needs a transfusion. I did. But my poor Mom cannot remember if my blood transfusions were because of the craniosynostosis.... Or congenital diaphragmatic hernia. And, if memory serves me correctly, it wasn't my own blood. Thank God for generous donors!! Apparently, there is only a 15% to 20% chance that Jackson will need any blood transfusions. His operation should take about an hour and a half from first cut to sewn up. There is a 90% chance that Jackson will not have to spend even one night in the P.I.C.U. . If all goes well with no problems or complications, they will get to leave on the second post-op day. Jackson is going to need a helmet for about six months after surgery. Alayna did not wear one. Call me crazy, which I am, but I think babies who wear helmets look adorable!! Seriously!! If they practiced the skull-reshaping helmets nearly thirty years ago, chances are, I would not have a small hill--Mt. Cranio--on top of my head!! Instead. Dr. J. simply used to apply tape measures around my skull!! I remember that!! Oddball alert!! I remember measuring my dolls' plastic heads!! I also vaguely recall what Dr. J. looked like!! He was an older gentleman, with glasses on his face. Ironically, Dr. J. had a balding scalp. I think!! Why is the helmet so vital? Based on Serene's Blog. The reason why the helmet is vital, is because it will hold the front and back of Jackson's head in place, allowing the brain, as it continues to grow, to push the side plates back out, rounding out Jackson's head naturally. Wow. I could have really benefitted from that helmet!! Perhaps then, I would not live with premature short-term memory loss? But then again. Would I possess a freakishly hard skull? I kind of rather like that!! Surgery is scheduled for January 3rd. Jackson will be exactly 7 weeks and 2 days old.
Dear Blogging Friends. Less invasive or not, craniosynostosis reconstruction surgery is a serious operation. Can you continue to keep Serene, Jackson, and this family in your prayers?


Friday, December 13, 2013

Dear Rose Elizabeth

Blogging Friends.... Thank-you for your sweet and encouraging comments on Wednesday's post!! As a writer, I spend lots of time describing people, places, things, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I have one word for your Friendship. "Wow". I treasure dearly every single word!! I wrote this in my private journal/diary. Some changes were made, as per usual!! I may not easily make friends. Perhaps my sister is seemingly more popular than I. Maybe people come and go, eventually "outgrowing" me. Perhaps S is my most loyal, longest-lasting friend. To which I am grateful!! Maybe I do not possess a "net" like Kelle Hampton does. But my Blogging Friends? They love me. My Blogging Friends have accepted my crazy, weird, oddball self. They encourage me when I need it most.... With words. My Blogging Friends. I love, love, love them!! They are "Family" to me!!
It is Friday the 13th!! This year's last one. I love, love, love Friday the 13th!! I am so oddly fascinated by superstitious subjects!! I haven't a clue why. I do not believe in any of it....
 Dear Rose Elizabeth....
Another Christmastime spent together has nearly come and gone. Can you believe it?! This is our fourth Christmas together, and I hope for many, many, many more!! I cannot wait to see your excitable anticipation on December 25th when I unveil the gifts which Santa "Claws" hid within that red/white velvet-like stocking which, right now, hangs vacant on our yellow bedroom wall. Now. I am in close proximity to that short, big-bellied, white-bearded, ruddy-faced jolly old elf. How so? See, I may be turning thirty next month, but I never stopped believing in Santa "Claws". He appreciates that!! Adult believers. And Santa "Claws" shared with me everything which you will receive!! For he knows that I am great at keeping secrets!! But. This time of year, I lack impulse control really badly!! I just become very, very, very excited about Christmas gifts from Santa "Claws"!! I really have to watch my mouth, or else I'll spill some clues!! Well. Santa "Claws" also knows this about me!! So. Santa "Claws" granted me permission to give away twain clues. One. You will receive three well-loved plush squeak dog toys. And two. Santa "Claws" has little elves who are prolific dog treat bakers!! Dearest Rose. I understand that you have a Mama who writes. I know I spend way too much time sitting on this flat-screened desktop computer. I write Blog posts for Beautifully Unique. I create fictional children's stories, and "publish" them on "Minuscule is good!". I wrote my Life Story. I leave comments on everyone's Blogs. I understand that you become quite jealous of this here computer, and are not bashful in letting me know!! I feel your wet tongue nudges. I hear every pig-like snorting sounds. I see your big round eyes glance toward me, then away, looking as though you have just been neglected. My Drama Queen!! I guess it takes one to know one? While I am sorry about all of the time I spend sitting at this computer, I still give out lots of lovin'!! And you know it!! Because. I love, love, love my different-like-me Beautifully Unique little girl!!
Merry Christmas, and happy 2014, Rose!!

Wednesday, December 11, 2013


Blogging Friends.... Warning. This is yet another self-serving "therapy session". {Don't worry. I am not suffering from any minor mood swing-infused pity parties!! Yet. Oddly enough, I nearly always suffer from mood swings after writing these "therapy sessions". But, rest assured. I find it nearly impossible to fall into minor mood swing-infused pity parties during Christmastime!! So!! This could be interesting!!} So, come. Sit. Have a cup of tea, coffee, soda, wine, or just plain water. Read on as God gradually works through my life....
"Minuscule is good!

Trust me, it’s much better than thinking everything you do is important and meaningful. That is not good.” --Robert Downey Jr.
This was written on Monday and Tuesday. But I finished it last night. Sorry for the one day late posting!!
Bookstores. Among this mostly digital society which we currently find ourselves living in, they are seemingly a dying business. Sadly. Most of my family--Dad, Mom, oldest brother, plus sister--love, love, love bookstores. Whether it be Barnes & Noble. Our city's largest bookstore. Or some quaint little private shop at the beach. We stroll through bookstores, take our own sweet time, and watch as wallets swiftly lose weight. Because nearly everyone scores them some books!! Me? I enjoy American Girl, autobiographies, mysteries, and, of course, dog reference books. Now. I am going to reveal something strange, and probably shocking about myself. Ready? As a writer, who was always creating "stories" within my crazy, never-shuts-down head even during childhood, I rarely ever read. What....?! Well, thanks to my premature short-term memory loss, I lack reading comprehension skills. I always have. I always will. My Mom who graciously and patiently homeschooled me, tried. She did her best. But, truth be told? You cannot "fix" what is "broken". See, most children overcome reading comprehension issues. Me? I do not remember what was read just moments ago. Ask any of my test-giving teachers. Because. Premature short-term memory loss is one of my learning disabilities. Another reason why I rarely ever read? I would much rather be writing!! So. Bookstores have never really been my favorite choice of shopping locations. I do not excitedly jump up and down like Tigger from "Winnie the Pooh" whenever we have made a joint family decision to drive downtown toward our city's largest bookstore. That would be my sister!! Although. I do often score me some books during these trips!! American Girl. Autobiographies. Mysteries. At least four of my rapidly growing library of dog reference books. And altogether, I possess twenty-one!! Thus far!! We only drive to our city's largest bookstore once or twice annually, for it is located several miles away from here. But as for Barnes & Noble? There is one located within our nearest mall, so we walk through that bookstore nearly monthly. I look at their dog reference books. I scored one at a different Barnes & Noble store!! But, other than that, I seldom ever purchase anything there!! I have, however scored myself some American Girl books at Barnes & Noble!! But lately? Walking through Barnes & Noble {With its shelf-to-shelf stock of literature that authors published} makes every negative thought, feeling, plus emotion return and haunt me. Like some unwanted demon or ghost. No, I do not stumble into a minor mood swing-infused pity party. I never even shed any tears. No, I do not feel depressed. Just listless. Their children's book "room" is the hardest on me right now. Because. I am currently creating fictional children's stories. It feels like some haunted "room" where bony skeletons, gory zombies, or wart-faced witches reside. Whoa, Brain Juices. Whoa. Is it Halloween? Or Christmastime? I think they are confused!! I look around Barnes & Noble's children's book "room", and everywhere my brown eyes turn? It is inevitable. My brown eyes see books, books, books. They are displayed on tables. Plus wall-to-wall bookshelves. Published children's stories come in diverse variations. Some are, based on my opinion, written better than others. And I can't help but think this.

I should be a published author. My books should be sold here.
The last time we walked through Barnes & Noble, I halfheartedly stepped into their children's book "room". Repeatedly. I even touched a few books. But I never cracked any open. Because deep, deep, deep down inside, I was hurting emotionally for an unobtainable, broken, shattered dream. Just outside Barnes & Noble's children's book "room" are twain escalators. One made annoying squeaking sounds as it moved either up or down. I stood next to them, held onto a metal balcony and breathed everything in. It was Black Friday, so there were crowds of post-Thanksgiving Christmas shoppers. Adults. Teenagers. Toddlers. And I stood there {a writer} feeling as though I did not belong. In a freakin' bookstore. An outsider. As a learning disabled oddball, I oft feel that way. Like an outsider. I always have. I most likely always will. But in a bookstore? Never. I did wander Barnes & Noble's upstairs floor. I tried to battle my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I truly did. I cracked open a paperback book about this young man who was born with no limbs. It looked inspirational. But.
I should be a published author. My books should be sold here.
Those thoughts, feelings and emotions were stronger than I. I'm afraid they won the battle. Not a single tear trickled down my check, yet once again, I stood, defeated. You know what? I just remembered something. Like, today. Sometime last year, when I was working on my Life Story, me, the dreamer, was reading a cute children's book in Target. Then, I thought this. After publishing my "memoir", I could write children's stories. I've written a children's story before. I can do it again!! That's right. Children's stories!! Well, guess what? I have written four children's stories thus far since then!! Four. I am doing it. Published or not. Because I am a "children's writer"!! Not author. They are published. I am creating a new phrase!! I tend to do that!! Just one slight problem. This wandering aimlessly through Barnes & Noble because of my broken, shattered dream has been an ongoing issue. It is not disappearing anytime soon. I have considered sitting down and reading some published children's stories in an effort to glean ideas sans copying other's. But, I am a bit hard on books, I'm afraid. Barnes & Noble is no library, plus I do not need inspiration right now!! I can create some story unlike anybody else's.... Because I am an oddball, remember? I'm weird. I am different. I possess quirky interests!! But I must discover a method to solve this "bookstore situation". Because, I can't help but wonder. Will I always experience such negative thoughts, feelings and emotions while walking through bookstores? Huh? Our city's largest bookstore is no different than Barnes & Noble. If anything, it seems worse. Make these thoughts, feelings and emotions stop. Please. Make them go away. So, I came up with the only logical solution to this "bookstore situation". Ready? I am going to write!! I carry a journal with me everywhere, plus several clear Bic brand red pens. I will find myself somewhere to sit, and write something!! On a profoundly positive note. Save several minor mood swing-infused pity parties {Which I cannot control!!} I'm enjoying life on a level that I have not in a long, long, long time. Well over one decade. Because I am living life again. And for the first time in a long, long, long time, I'm attempting my very best to move forward rather than remain stuck. And I write.