Saturday, January 25, 2014

Reluctantly Thirty

Blogging Friends.... This post has been written and rewritten several times throughout the month with one approach to another!! Originally, it was in a paperback journal!!
Birthdays. They are gifts from God, as is every breath we inhale and each rhythmic beat of our heart. Whether they're so-called "milestone" birthdays, like eighteen, twenty-one, or fifty. You know. Those noteworthy celebrations which can be taken advantage of with heartfelt Hallmark cards? But, you know what? I firmly believe that every birthday is a "milestone" celebration. And I have felt this way for several years. There's no such thing as "age is only a number". Not when you're me and happen to share your birthday with a Beautifully Unique "angel" named Conner Phillip who passed away from this rare genetic illness called Tay-Sachs disease at age 22 months. I followed his story Online. Conner would have turned eight this year, by the way. Not when I, myself, was born with congenital diaphragmatic hernia, a rare, life-threatening birth defect. Which 50% effected don't survive. Not when life itself is precious and short.
I am turning thirty years old today.
Reluctantly.
I graced this planet as a birth defected, failure to thrive, messed-up baby born with craniosynostosis, C.D.H., and Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome three decades ago. Around 8:30 AM. Why does that little detail matter? Because. It is the precise time in history when I was born that I officially turn thirty. Or so I have been told!! Anyway. So why, when I truly believe that every birthday--from one to ninety-nine--is a "milestone" celebration, am I reluctantly turning thirty? Neither Conner Phillip nor so many precious Kindred Spirit C.D.H. children will ever reach the "big three-o". I am blessed beyond measure!! So why have I obsessed over this birthday throughout my 29th year? The positives and negatives. The pros and cons. One moment I have felt optimistic, hopeful excitement about entering this new chapter of life. The next I've dreaded it entirely. As a Drama Queen, I've stressed over exiting my 20's so very often that those who have already passed this "milestone" age consider me completely nuts. Am I? Because I cannot help but wonder. 1994. Didn't I turn ten just yesterday? I cannot help but wonder. Whatever occurred to my young, carefree childhood? I cannot help but wonder. Has anybody else who turned thirty obsessed over this so-called "milestone" birthday? I cannot help but wonder.
Because I am turning thirty years old today.
Reluctantly.
Which leads me back to the question. Why am I reluctantly turning thirty? I have never, in my entire life, dreaded a birthday. Never. So why am I now? One answer? Unnecessary comparison. I look around and observe. I see everything. Like when this person turned thirty, she was a mother. I haven't got any children. Or when this person turned thirty, he was following his dreams. Mine are broken, shattered, unobtainable. I look around and observe. I see everything. How many individuals are out there who have turned thirty sans any children or dreams realized? Them, I cannot see. Why am I reluctantly turning thirty? Another answer? Feeling like some cosmic failure in life. Despite the very acknowledgement that I should not even be experiencing such negative, untrue thoughts. But feelings are feelings. And these particular thoughts continuously resurface within my crazy head from time to time. Because. Life has not turned out quite the way I envisioned it would. Yet. At the same time, I like my life. I like my life. I have twain adorable nieces. I own Rose. I write fictional children's stories on my Blog for all the world to read. Literally!! Yet I cannot help but wonder. What did I personally achieve during my twenties? Why am I reluctantly turning thirty? Another answer? Regret. Because. I wasted most of my twenties to self pity and minor mood swings. For I possess unwanted learning disabilities. I have limitations. I am different. In my crazy head, I couldn't do anything. Not. True!! See, I lost most of my twenties. And I will never get them back. Because starting from age seventeen to twenty-eight, I gave up on life. I quit. I stopped living life to its fullest capacity. Which I deeply regret. I did not spend most of those wasted twenties exploring myself as a writer. I wasn't creating monthly fictional children's stories. I did not spend most of those wasted twenties growing. Oh how I wish I had. But then again. If I had not wasted most of my twenties to self pity and minor mood swings? I wouldn't be as mentally/emotionally resilient. If I had not wasted most of my twenties to self pity and minor mood swings? My life never would have been mysteriously impacted by Tony Stark/Iron Man while watching "The Avengers" in a local movie theater on May 4th, 2012. If I had not wasted most of my twenties to self pity and minor mood swings? The words "It's a... terrible privilege" wouldn't sometimes make me cry touched tears. If I had not wasted most of my twenties to self pity and minor mood swings? Then I wouldn't believe that true emotional resilience only comes if you mentally fall first. This I have learned.

"I think you end up doing the stuff you were supposed to do at the time you were supposed to do it.--Robert Downey Jr. 
I am turning thirty years old today.
Reluctantly.
Because turning thirty. It is a cosmic, noteworthy age. In far more ways than one. Think about it. Our thirties are a bridge. And it's cosmic. Everything about this bridge is cosmic. Because. Unlike some quaint wooden weathered garden bridge which you take hikes on, our thirties expand larger than any which can be explored worldwide. How so? This bridge--our thirties--divides being a youthful twenty-something to middle age. Correct? This bridge serves as a divider from entering your thirties to your forties. And. As every bridge requires time to be structurally built, this one is no different. I have an entire decade or so still until being considered middle-aged. Which is ten plus years of constructing that bridge!! An entire decade of immensely enjoying life!! Now. As for my thirties? I intend to rock them!! One bridge part at a time.
I am turning thirty years old today.
Still reluctantly.
Well, it is now past 8:30. So. It is official. I am thirty years old. We shall enjoy ourselves some fluffy from-the-box vanilla un-birthday cake today. I like the sound of that!!  


  



8 comments:

Molly The Wally said...

Happy Birthday to you and we wish you well. Remember everything you do hence forth is because of what you did yesteryear. The courage to write comes from all the experiences of the past. Nothing is ever wasted, it is what has moulded you into what you are today. As the song says ...look to the future now, it has only just begun. Have a super Saturday.
Best wishes Molly

Raelyn said...

Molly....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"Happy Birthday to you and we wish you well. Remember everything you do hence forth is because of what you did yesteryear. The courage to write comes from all the experiences of the past. Nothing is ever wasted, it is what has moulded you into what you are today. As the song says ...look to the future now, it has only just begun.". That was deep, my sweet Friend!! Thank-you!! ;op

Dip-Dip and the Bridge said...

Happy Birthday Raelyn. Hope you had a wonderful day!
Thirty is a bit of a milestone for birthdays, you may not be a kid of 20 any more but at least it is better than 40, LOL. That is like some scary fairground ride that you can never get off!
Lynne x

Raelyn said...

Lynne....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"Happy Birthday Raelyn. Hope you had a wonderful day!" Thanks, Friend!! I did enjoy myself a wonderful day!! I received some nice gifts. I laughed with those who I am in close proximity to. {One group at a time. We did not throw a party!!} I ate way too much vanilla cake.... ;)
"Thirty is a bit of a milestone for birthdays, you may not be a kid of 20 any more but at least it is better than 40, LOL. That is like some scary fairground ride that you can never get off!". Uh, thanks? Something to look forward to, I guess? Crack. Me. Up!! ;-D
But then again. I should still be preoccupied with constructing my bridge which leads to middle age by forty!! ;op

Fizz said...

Happy birthday.
I wish we dogs lived that long. Our grandad is 80 today, that's very old.
Have a great day.

Raelyn said...

Fizz....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"Happy birthday.". Thanks, Friend!! ;)
"I wish we dogs lived that long.". I second that!! ;-D
"Our Grandad is 80 today, that's very old.". Wow!! I wonder if I will ever reach eighty years old?! Happy, happy, happy birthday to your Grandad!! ;op

Ryker said...

Happy Birthday to you! Rock on my friend. I had a great time being thirty and hope you do too!

Raelyn said...

RYKER....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"Happy Birthday to you! Rock on my friend. I had a great time being thirty and hope you do too!". Thanks, Friend!! ;op