Not Right Now

Blogging Friends.... Apparently, I need a ton of support. That having been mentioned. Thank-you, from the depths of my heart, for all of your support, encouragement and insights as I journey through whatever hand Life deals me!!

   

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go." --Dr. Seuss

I have been doing lots of thinking plus some soul-searching regarding my future as an artist and a writer. Oh yes. And I have also created my fictional story for March!! Question. Should I become a self-published children's author? Or not? Truth be told? I have yet to Google-search the possibility. Why? Because I have been too busy weighing potential pros and cons. I do everything at my own pace, remember? Well. I could be wrong--I am often--but I've strongly felt God whisper in my heart and soul these very words.

Not right now.

Does this mean that I can't obtain my lifelong dream? Do I feel as though God is saying "no"? Quite the contrary.

Because "not right now" doesn't necessarily mean "never".

I feel as though God has been reminding me that I'm still an infant as a "children's writer". {That is my phrase, by the way!! Because "children's authors" are published. And I am not. So I'm a "children's writer"!!} I feel as though God has been reminding me that I'm still experimenting as an artist. And I always will!! I feel as though God has been reminding me that I'm still figuring out who I am as a writer. I feel as though God has been reminding me that I'm still blooming. After all. I have not even been creating fictional children's stories for one year yet!! And I feel as though God has been reminding me of my 2014 Resolution to write twelve "books" {No shortcuts allowed!!} in one year's time. Stick to the plan. It is only almost March. See. If I did pursue my dream of being a self-published children's author--and this will not occur overnight--would I create one "book" a month? I don't know. I discovered, after penning my Life Story, that I'm addicted to Writing Projects. Yes, addicted. Because first my crazy never-shuts-down head creates something beautiful. I feel as though I'm riding a high of some sort. Then it is over and I instantaneously want another Writing Project. Instantaneously. I am constantly finding myself excitedly anticipating the following month after each Writing Project!! That being mentioned. I am looking toward the future with optimistic hope!! What minor mood swing-infused pity parties? They are not nearly as frequent anymore!! Save a little self-pity every now and then over my learning disabilities. I am in an incredibly good, positive place of happiness because I'm regularly putting that crazy never-shuts-down head of mine "to work"!! So I need--yes, need--my monthly Writing Projects!! Because work is the best form of therapy for me!!

             

Not right now.

That isn't a negative answer. No. God is simply attempting to teach me contentment and patience on this insane journey called Life!! Bring it on!!

"I Want Biscuit."

Blogging Friends.... I am going to begin work on my March fictional children's story today for "Minuscule is good!"!! I cannot wait!! So!! Knowing full well that I owe you all a Rose story, I wrote this one over the weekend!! However. I am also currently writing another "Therapy Session", so stay tuned for that!! Now, this is what occurs when you possess a crazy never-shuts-down head!! Sometimes I write twain posts at once!!

Speaking of my crazy never-shuts-down head. After "publishing" the other day's post, I was later reminded of a line which was spoken by Robert Downey Jr.'s Sherlock Holmes. Here it is. I can totally relate!!

"My mind rebels at stagnation. Give me problems. Give me work. The sooner the better." --Sherlock Holmes from "Sherlock Holmes"

Allow me to change that line a bit. "My mind rebels at stagnation. Give me projects. Give me work. The sooner the better." And my creative Brain Juices do!!

It was 2:00 PM. The Purple Martin on our singing bird clock had quietly chirped. It was time for me to feed Rose her afternoon meal. On February 13th, I provided myself with a "second chance" regarding baking Rose's cheesy biscuits from last month. This time? I remembered the Parmesan cheese!! Score!! On Valentine's Day, I was giving Rose a heart-shaped cheesy biscuit after dumping one cup of dry crunchy dog food into her silver bowl. We were also "baby-sitting" my two-year old niece, "Amethyst". Now. "Amethyst" and I have this habitual thing of pulling out twain baby carrots as a treat.... One for her, the other for Rose!! It is expected!! "Amethyst" even walks over and pulls open the refrigerator!! Well, on that specific Valentine's Day, we changed things up a bit. Because. Rather than give Rose a baby carrot, I pulled out this glass airtight container full of home-baked dog biscuits. "A carrot," "Amethyst" said. She says it like Elmer Fudd would!! Minus the "R" sound!! I love, love, love it!! "Well, I'm gonna give Rose a biscuit," I explained, "But you can have a carrot!!" Then, "Amethyst" said, in a sweet innocent voice, "I want biscuit." And my heart melted like vanilla-scented candle wax. How do you say "no" to that? My home-baked dog biscuits have ingredients such as flours, cheese {I used mozzarella this time rather than cheddar!!} butter, milk. It is really "cheesy bread" no different from something my Mom might bake!! Correct? I'd never give "Amethyst" a store-bought salmon biscuit that I purchased for Rose after our Winter Blast. Those are for dogs!! So, yes, I gave "Amethyst" a small bite of Rose's home-baked cheesy biscuit. Shamelessly!! Because, I've been eating them as well, and they are delicious if I do say so myself!! Yes, you read that right. Yeah, I get a ton of teasing around here for snacking on Rose's home-baked biscuits!! I am called "Shaggy" from "Scooby-Doo". Because. Apparently he noshes on Scooby Snacks? I would not know. I never watch "Scooby-Doo"!! I am told that I'll become a canine like Tim Allen in "The Shaggy Dog", grow fur and bark. Which, I also have not seen!! Oooh, can I be some sort of Scottish/"Irish"/German-Russian mutt? Because I am one!! I'm shameless, remember? And, of course, I have been mentally referred to as "weird" by my sister. What can I say? I am weird!! Guilty as charged!! And now? I'm afraid I am in a bit of trouble!! Why? Because. One week later, "Amethyst" pointed to that glass airtight container full of home-baked dog treats. "A biscuit," she said. My Mom was standing there, so she told "Amethyst" that they are "for the dog". Meanwhile, I just stood there, looking innocently guilty. An oxymoron? I do not think so!! My sister then shot me a facial expression that said this. See what you started? And in exchange I'm pretty certain I gave my sister a cockeyed smirk!! Because I am shameless!!

The Best Form Of Therapy

Blogging Friends.... Thank-you for your comments on the other day's post!! I truly appreciated them!! Since clicking "publish", I have been doing some serious thinking regarding this potential possibility of obtaining my dream. Scribbling thoughts/feelings/emotions/notes/considerations in a paper journal. And. While I am no step closer toward pursuing this dream of being a published author, scribbling thoughts/feelings/emotions/notes/considerations is moving forward rather than remaining stuck!! We shall see, for only God holds the answers....

I am keeping this Blog post short and sweet as I'm going to attend my niece, "Amethyst"/her Daddy's double birthday party today!!

"Work is the best form of therapy for me. When my mind isn't focused, I get into trouble." --Robert Downey Jr.

I have, it turns out, a lot in common with my very favorite actor. We're Kindred Spirit Oddballs!! One of the best advantages to having a lot in common with Robert Downey Jr.--and we are not, in any way shape or form, completely identical personality-wise--is realizing self-discoveries about myself. Such as this. I am a creative individual. As is he!! I possess a crazy never-shuts-down head. I am fairly certain that he does too!! And, having monthly Writing Projects, I put that crazy never-shuts-down head of mine to work!! Because. My crazy never-shuts-down head can also get me "into trouble" what with minor mood swing-infused pity parties, and negative thoughts/feelings/emotions. But Writing Projects!! Putting this crazy never-shuts-down head of mine to work? It provides my life with an immense sense of purpose!! Which. Is exactly, I believe, what keeps me "out of trouble"!! My minor mood swing-infused pity parties, and negative thoughts/feelings/emotions? They have become much less intense, plus frequent--knock on wood!!--with these monthly Writing Projects!! So. Having a lot in common with Robert Downey Jr.? It means. On a much smaller level than his version of "trouble" {You know what I mean!!} I can wholeheartedly relate to this quotation!!

Dream

Sorry for posting this late. It was mostly written yesterday with a stubborn headache that refused to disappear. Sigh. That being said. I can only hope this Blog post makes sense!! Then it was late and I just felt physically drained!! So off to bed I went!! Ah.... A new day and my stubborn headache is gone!! Yes!!

   

Blogging Friends.... Warning. This is yet another self-serving "therapy session". {Don't worry. I am not suffering from any minor mood swing-infused pity parties!! Yet. Oddly enough, I nearly always suffer from mood swings after writing these "therapy sessions". This could be interesting!!} So, come. Sit. Have a cup of tea, coffee, soda, wine, or just plain water. Read on as God gradually works through my life....

"Minuscule is good!

Trust me, it’s much better than thinking everything you do is important and meaningful. That is not good.” --Robert Downey Jr.

"He" promised me a bright and happy future as an author. I was going to publish my Life Story, remember? Then "He" broke "his" promise saying that I can't. "I can't". Such dreaded words for anybody, much less myself, a learning disabled individual, to hear. "He" let me down. There have since been feelings of being a cosmic failure in life, tears, bitter thoughts toward "him", Life and my learning disabilities. Many emotions but not all of which I've moved on from. Somehow. "He" is like a jerk ex-boyfriend who broke my heart. And I am now left with some serious trust issues between "him". My point? What is it, anyway? Has my crazy, scatterbrained, attention deficit disorder head began running amok? And who, exactly, is "he"? No, I am still, for the most part, sane over here!! I will direct this to my point momentarily.

And "he" is Dream.

Nearly one month ago, on the morning of January 25th, I was conversing with my sister. She had a meeting at work to attend. As my sister got ready, somehow the once-touchy issue of me turning thirty came up. You know what? Turning thirty is not such a huge deal for me anymore. I cannot believe how big a Drama Queen I was being. Thirty is pretty darn awesome!! I do not remember how the subject came up, it just did. My sister then asked something to this effect. "You don't want to be thirty?" Oh dear. I knew full well that if I delved into this issue, I'd cry and throw myself a prolonged minor pity party. Not today. No. Not on my thirtieth birthday. But she'd gently uprooted all of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions which I had buried so deep inside. I was left with very little choice. Then, while holding back tears, I proceeded to explain that this is not the existence I thought I'd be living by age thirty. "I can't even follow my dream of being a published author...." I said. I then shared with her that I'd like to write children's books. And. I shared with her that I've somehow always wanted to be a published author. And my eyes actually stayed dry!! Then something unexpected occurred.

Dream crept back and knocked on my heart, requesting forgiveness.

Allow me to explain. My sister advised me on my thirtieth birthday that I should research the possibility of becoming a self-published children's author.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Then, because I do everything on my own pace and mine alone, I'd spend nearly one month feeling cautiously optimistic, terrified to dream again, realistic, yet somewhat hopeful that, perhaps, I can. "I can". Such beautiful, confident words for anybody, especially me, a learning disabled individual, to hear!! Because I do everything on my own pace and mine alone, I would spend nearly one month thinking, weighing potential pros/cons, procrastinating, allowing Life, my wrenched right knee and a head cold virus to stand firmly in the way, then realizing just how badly I want to pursue this dream of being published. Yes, I want to pursue this.

Okay. Back to Dream, my "jerk ex-boyfriend".

"He" has crept back into my heart and soul once again. And now Dream is requesting forgiveness?! Interesting. Some time ago, my internal therapist--or was it God?--advised me to envision Dream as a person. If this were so? Would I forgive Dream for promising me a bright and happy future as an author? Yes. I would!! If this were so? Would I forgive Dream for letting me down? Yes. I would!! If this were so? Would I forgive Dream for breaking "his" promise? Yes. I would!! And if this were so? Yes, I would give Dream a second chance!! Because. I am a huge believer and prolific giver of second chances!! Is Dream not "human"?

What do you think?

Have I been selling my lifelong dream of being a published author too short? I've oft wondered this. I never even tried to pursue it. Can I become a self-published children's author? Can I? Or is Dream playing with my thoughts/feelings/emotions? Again?

You know what? I have repeatedly thrown myself emotional, tearful, minor mood swing-infused pity parties because here I'm thirty-years old and not doing anything important and meaningful with my life. I mean. I am not a mother. I mean. I am not a pediatrician. But could it be.... That I am already living an important and meaningful--albeit minuscule--existence? Could it be.... That I'm living out God's plans for my life after all? I am a writer, an artist who paints pictures with words. I create fictional children's stories. Then I share them with the world--literally!!--Online. Nothing--not success, nor furthermore disappointment--will ever change that!! Because. Heedless of what occurs in the future, if I become a self-published children's book author or not, one thing is for certain. I will never quit writing!! I look forward to creating my monthly fictional children's stores!! I hope you, dear Blogging Friends, anticipate reading them. I do love, love, love your comments!! Writing monthly fictional children's stories has actually helped keep me mentally and emotionally "out of trouble". How so? They have helped keep my minor mood swing-infused pity parties at bay!! See. Writing keeps my crazy never-shuts-down head preoccupied!! I have known for years that I'm a creative individual. And writing, to me, is the best form of therapy!! It maintains my sanity.

I suppose the next steps toward potentially pursuing this dream is to pray about it. And Google self-publishing options. Oh yeah. And forgive Dream.

And write!!

 

Journey

Blogging Friends.... Happy Valentine's Day!! I hope you're all enjoying it!! I spent today watching my very energetic nearly two-year old niece, "Amethyst", so as these words are being typed I'm happily exhausted!! I love that little girl!! But do not worry. I have a ton of white chocolate in my system right now!! Yum!! So. As today is slipping away from me and I haven't got the time to write, here's a quotation. I do not always agree with Oprah Winfrey, but these words--which proudly grace my February wall calendar page--are striking an emotional chord with me right now. Because. Of my learning disabilities and ongoing self acceptance journey. Because. Of my broken, shattered dream and ongoing journey toward contentment. Just because. Thanks, Oprah. Such wise words.          

Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough. --Oprah Winfrey

Winter Blast

Blogging Friends.... So. I wrote a heartfelt tribute to Philip Seymour Hoffman and then disappeared for one week. Sorry. That was completely unintentional and out of character for me!! Seriously. My excuse for being absent from both Beautifully Unique and everybody's Blogs? It will be explained throughout this post....

Over six years ago, in December 2008, our local area was hit--hard!!--by a back east-style snowstorm!! At least that is how I, an unpublished writer, would have described it!! Colossal-sized flakes descended from our clouds for at least one week with seemingly no end in sight!! Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail shall keep the postmen from their appointed rounds.? Forget about it!! Because our mail carrier stopped service completely during that snowstorm!! The streets were hardly untouched. Why? Because. For the first time in my entire life, we were snowed in!! Plus. For the first time in my entire life, we enjoyed ourselves an amazingly memorable full-force White Christmas!! Less than two years later, on September 21st, 2010, I adopted Rose!! Now. My Mystery Dog's breeds are not the only unknown fact about her. We have also guessed Rose's age. See. The shelter where I adopted Rose said that she was three years old in 2010. Our vet? He guessed that Rose was 2 1/2 years old in 2010. Who was correct? We will never know for certain!! Fast forward. To February 2013. Our local area has once again been hit by what newscasters have deemed a Winter Blast!! As of Friday morning, sidewalks and yards were covered in ankle-deep snow and Rose likes it!! Now. This is not my first snow experience with Rose. We have enjoyed a few. This is my first Winter Blast experience with Rose!! There's a significant difference between the two. A significant difference. This Winter Blast blew in--literally!!--on Thursday afternoon!! And it was white-out blizzard-like weather conditions!! Which is much, much, much prettier than our typical Winter rain!! I love, love, love it!! Especially--especially--when our weekend arrived and those who I am in close proximity to were safely home from work and/or school!! Praise the Lord!! When I let Rose outside to urinate before bed, on Thursday night, she looked back at me through our sliding glass door, quite ambivalent of this newfound freezing cold windy snowy weather. Not that I blamed her. But she had to at least try. It was bedtime, after all, and Heaven knows we did not need any accidents!! Well!! Rose did much more than just try!! She plowed through a steep snow bank on the edge of our backyard patio like some Alaska sled racing dog, walked toward our neighbor's wood fence, squat and urinated!! Good girl!! For that, Rose was given a treat!! My little girl has always seemingly been curious about snow!! I took her for twain Winter Blast walks on Friday!! Our first. It was during the morning while sunbeams made everything sparkle like diamonds!! No snowflakes fell. Not even one!! See. I was wrongly convinced that this so-called Winter Blast had drawn to an abrupt close. For most snows around here only last one day. And I wanted to take complete advantage of it before Mr. Sun slowly melted this cold fluffy white stuff away!! Our second Winter Blast walk? It was during the afternoon as chilling winds blew and snowflakes descended from clouds!! Brrr!! It was seemingly much, much, much colder than our morning walk that day!! Either way, I love, love, love it!! During our afternoon Winter Blast walk, Rose was so very curious about the cold wet white snow that she returned home with some on her whiskers from sniffing everything!! However. During our morning walk, Rose suddenly started limping. Once we had found this bare patch of sidewalk which was blocked off from the snow by a neighbors' bush, I could examine its culprit. This did not require my internal Sherlock Holmes to "solve". No. Rose's back paws were clearly bothering her as though something was stuck in them. Sure enough. I examined Rose's back feet. Caked below both of her paw pads were several tiny snowballs!! Poor baby, no wonder she was limping!! Using my pointer finger, I sort of carved them out!! Rose then walked absolutely "normal" after that!! Once we returned home, she was given a treat!! On Saturday morning, as colossal snowflakes began to fall, I took Rose for our last Winter Blast walk of 2013!! Why? Because. As the snow piled steeper and steeper upon our suburban cul-de-sac's sidewalks, my little "Alaska Sled Racing Dog" wannabe was forced to jump over bank after bank after bank. And Heaven knows I do not need any injuries!! Speaking of which. To avoid accidentally injuring my canine, on Saturday night, I stepped outside the backdoor, nearly slipped, grabbed a shovel smashed this path through our then twenty-two-inch deep patio snow bank, and collapsed it!! You know what? I'm so very glad I did!! Later that night, it sleeted, hitting our windows and making them look like clear stained glass artwork!! This also produced some awesome icicles which were virtually everywhere!! I love, love, love it!! When I let Rose outside to urinate before bed on Saturday, she looked back at me through our sliding glass door, quite ambivalent of this newfound sleet. Would Rose brave it? Not so fast this time!! Rose stepped over my parted path in the snow bank, walked out, was hit by tiny balls of sleet, then turned back!! Poor girl!! By yesterday morning, our outside world was a frozen, glossy, shiny Winter Wonderland!! I love, love, love it!! I let Rose outside to urinate and have a bowel movement. She never got constipated during this Winter Blast, by the way!! Rose slowly and cautiously stepped over my collapsed snow bank path, skid on ice which now covers our yard, and did her business!! Good, good, good girl!! For that, Rose was given a treat!! She is definitely my little Snow Dog!! Which leads me to wonder about Rose's age. If our local area was hit by a much, much, much more "severe" snowstorm than this one in 2008. And I adopted Rose on September 21st, 2010. Could she have actually been two years old when I got her? Not three? Which might have made Rose a puppy in 2008. Because. My little "Alaska Sled Racing Dog" wannabe hasn't got any Siberian Husky or St. Bernard mixed within her mysterious D.N.A.!! That I am completely certain of!! Being a Snow Dog {breed} does not flow proudly within Rose's blood!! So. If Rose was two rather than three on September 21st, 2010, then that means.... I could have an additional year as her Mama!! Hmmm!! I am alright with that!! Now. Only God knows how long Rose will live. He has her days numbered just like mine!! Meanwhile, I only have today!! That being mentioned. I shall make every second count!! With quality time. Hiking. Home-baked treats. And, of course. Making Winter Blast memories!! As temperatures rise a bit, and wet raindrops fall from clouds today, let the meltdown begin!! I love, love, love it!!

      

"Oh my gosh. He's Dusty...."

I was preoccupied yesterday morning, as I'd been working hard on my fictional children's story for "Minuscule is good!". I had a foggy groggy head and sore throat because I'm currently battling cold germs. I'd even stayed home from church--"playing heathen" has become all-too routine for me lately!!--as I felt "like crap". I drank some hot cocoa with extra, extra, extra chocolate mixed in and wrote my story. I was mentally/emotionally/physically preoccupied on it until news broke out which would shake me a little and provide some distraction. Because yesterday Hollywood {And the world at large} lost yet another actor to substance abuse. Philip Seymour Hoffman. As a huge fanatic of Robert Downey Jr., I do not need to elaborate on how something as tragic and heartbreaking as this news can strike an emotional chord for me. And strike hard. Because. I know all too well that it could have been--and all logic screams should have been--Robert Downey Jr.  Don't think I don't think about that. I hate it. Substance abuse addiction. Brilliant talented celebrities gone far too soon. Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop. After my heart sank for the cause of Philip Seymour Hoffman's passing, I read an Online article about him. And it was noted that he acted in "Twister". What?! I own a copy of "Twister"!! Who did he play.... Then it shot me like a bullet from some gun. He was Dusty.... BAM!! Dusty was the crazy tornado chaser with shoulder-length bleached-blond hair and a sweet considerate personality. He is my favorite character in "Twister". Because I am attracted to crazy dudes!! I then looked up Philip Seymour Hoffman. It was true. He's Dusty. Then I felt my heart break into a billion pieces. Oh my gosh. He's Dusty.... In a strange sort of way, it now feels like I have just lost a friend--Dusty--to addiction. Last night, on an impulsive whim, I watched "Twister" with my youngest brother. In memory of Philip Seymour Hoffman. You know what? I am so very glad that I did!! Because while watching "Twister", Dusty kept making me laugh!! And that felt so healing somehow!! I went to bed last night feeling as though by watching "Twister", I had celebrated a life lived. Because substance abuse addictions or not. It was a life lived. He did play Dusty. And last night? Philip Seymour Hoffman made me feel good!! Because. "It's the wonder of nature, baby!!". I love how he yells that line!!

Good bye, Philip Seymour Hoffman. Rest in peace. And thanks for the laughs last night. I needed them more than you will ever know.

Alright. I am off to post my now-finished fictional children's story on "Minuscule is good!". Do not forget to read it!! And leave some comments so I know that you stopped by!!