Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Dream

Sorry for posting this late. It was mostly written yesterday with a stubborn headache that refused to disappear. Sigh. That being said. I can only hope this Blog post makes sense!! Then it was late and I just felt physically drained!! So off to bed I went!! Ah.... A new day and my stubborn headache is gone!! Yes!!
   
Blogging Friends.... Warning. This is yet another self-serving "therapy session". {Don't worry. I am not suffering from any minor mood swing-infused pity parties!! Yet. Oddly enough, I nearly always suffer from mood swings after writing these "therapy sessions". This could be interesting!!} So, come. Sit. Have a cup of tea, coffee, soda, wine, or just plain water. Read on as God gradually works through my life....

"Minuscule is good!
Trust me, it’s much better than thinking everything you do is important and meaningful. That is not good.” --Robert Downey Jr.

"He" promised me a bright and happy future as an author. I was going to publish my Life Story, remember? Then "He" broke "his" promise saying that I can't. "I can't". Such dreaded words for anybody, much less myself, a learning disabled individual, to hear. "He" let me down. There have since been feelings of being a cosmic failure in life, tears, bitter thoughts toward "him", Life and my learning disabilities. Many emotions but not all of which I've moved on from. Somehow. "He" is like a jerk ex-boyfriend who broke my heart. And I am now left with some serious trust issues between "him". My point? What is it, anyway? Has my crazy, scatterbrained, attention deficit disorder head began running amok? And who, exactly, is "he"? No, I am still, for the most part, sane over here!! I will direct this to my point momentarily.

And "he" is Dream.

Nearly one month ago, on the morning of January 25th, I was conversing with my sister. She had a meeting at work to attend. As my sister got ready, somehow the once-touchy issue of me turning thirty came up. You know what? Turning thirty is not such a huge deal for me anymore. I cannot believe how big a Drama Queen I was being. Thirty is pretty darn awesome!! I do not remember how the subject came up, it just did. My sister then asked something to this effect. "You don't want to be thirty?" Oh dear. I knew full well that if I delved into this issue, I'd cry and throw myself a prolonged minor pity party. Not today. No. Not on my thirtieth birthday. But she'd gently uprooted all of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions which I had buried so deep inside. I was left with very little choice. Then, while holding back tears, I proceeded to explain that this is not the existence I thought I'd be living by age thirty. "I can't even follow my dream of being a published author...." I said. I then shared with her that I'd like to write children's books. And. I shared with her that I've somehow always wanted to be a published author. And my eyes actually stayed dry!! Then something unexpected occurred.

Dream crept back and knocked on my heart, requesting forgiveness.

Allow me to explain. My sister advised me on my thirtieth birthday that I should research the possibility of becoming a self-published children's author.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Then, because I do everything on my own pace and mine alone, I'd spend nearly one month feeling cautiously optimistic, terrified to dream again, realistic, yet somewhat hopeful that, perhaps, I can. "I can". Such beautiful, confident words for anybody, especially me, a learning disabled individual, to hear!! Because I do everything on my own pace and mine alone, I would spend nearly one month thinking, weighing potential pros/cons, procrastinating, allowing Life, my wrenched right knee and a head cold virus to stand firmly in the way, then realizing just how badly I want to pursue this dream of being published. Yes, I want to pursue this.

Okay. Back to Dream, my "jerk ex-boyfriend".

"He" has crept back into my heart and soul once again. And now Dream is requesting forgiveness?! Interesting. Some time ago, my internal therapist--or was it God?--advised me to envision Dream as a person. If this were so? Would I forgive Dream for promising me a bright and happy future as an author? Yes. I would!! If this were so? Would I forgive Dream for letting me down? Yes. I would!! If this were so? Would I forgive Dream for breaking "his" promise? Yes. I would!! And if this were so? Yes, I would give Dream a second chance!! Because. I am a huge believer and prolific giver of second chances!! Is Dream not "human"?

What do you think?

Have I been selling my lifelong dream of being a published author too short? I've oft wondered this. I never even tried to pursue it. Can I become a self-published children's author? Can I? Or is Dream playing with my thoughts/feelings/emotions? Again?

You know what? I have repeatedly thrown myself emotional, tearful, minor mood swing-infused pity parties because here I'm thirty-years old and not doing anything important and meaningful with my life. I mean. I am not a mother. I mean. I am not a pediatrician. But could it be.... That I am already living an important and meaningful--albeit minuscule--existence? Could it be.... That I'm living out God's plans for my life after all? I am a writer, an artist who paints pictures with words. I create fictional children's stories. Then I share them with the world--literally!!--Online. Nothing--not success, nor furthermore disappointment--will ever change that!! Because. Heedless of what occurs in the future, if I become a self-published children's book author or not, one thing is for certain. I will never quit writing!! I look forward to creating my monthly fictional children's stores!! I hope you, dear Blogging Friends, anticipate reading them. I do love, love, love your comments!! Writing monthly fictional children's stories has actually helped keep me mentally and emotionally "out of trouble". How so? They have helped keep my minor mood swing-infused pity parties at bay!! See. Writing keeps my crazy never-shuts-down head preoccupied!! I have known for years that I'm a creative individual. And writing, to me, is the best form of therapy!! It maintains my sanity.

I suppose the next steps toward potentially pursuing this dream is to pray about it. And Google self-publishing options. Oh yeah. And forgive Dream.

And write!!
 


















10 comments:

Molly The Wally said...

You see God didn't let you down you just didn't listen. There are many ways to achieve your dream but the only one holding you back is you. Great that you have come up with plan B and never give up. As they say it is never over till the fat lady sings. May your 30s be the years you achieve your goals.
Have a tremendous Thursday.
Best wishes Molly

Raelyn said...

Molly....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"You see God didn't let you down you just didn't listen.". Okay. Not surprising that I did not listen. That is a character defect of mine. Which I work on, by the way!! But I never wrote that I'd felt GOD let me down. No, DREAM--the human--did!! God would never let me down. ;)
"There are many ways to achieve your dream but the only one holding you back is you.". BAM!! So true, so true!! ;-/
"Great that you have come up with plan B and never give up. As they say it is never over till the fat lady sings. May your 30s be the years you achieve your goals.". Thanks, Friend!! We shall see.... ;op

Sketching with Dogs said...

They always say if you visualise something you can translate it into your life and do that thing.
Having said that, it hasn't worked for my dream of winning the lottery yet :)
Hope all your ambitions come true Raelyn.
Lynne x

Ryker said...

Your sister came up with a great idea! Stay calm and carry on!

Raelyn said...

Lynne....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"They always say if you visualise something you can translate it into your life and do that thing.". I like that!! ;-D
"Hope all your ambitions come true Raelyn.". Thanks, Friend!! We shall see.... ;)
Hey, good luck in winning the lottery!! Hee, hee, hee.... ;op

Raelyn said...

Ryker....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"Stay calm and carry on!"!! You know what? I have a sign which was found somewhere Online. It reads this. "Keep calm and write on"!! That I will do. That I will do!! ;op

Tweedles -- that's me said...

I say carry on too and live each day!
love
tweedles

Raelyn said...

Tweedles....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"I say carry on too and live each day!". Thanks, Friend!! "Keep calm and write on"!! To quote Tony Stark from "The Avengers". "I will. Roger that!" {I think that is a direct quotation!!} ;op

Ruby said...

He will provide you wisdom and work all things together for your good, because He loves you! Ask Him to help your desires be His desires too. Our wonderful pastor Jared said this a few months ago: "Right now you have exactly what you are meant to have and exactly what you do not need." Trust His timing, but keep asking Him to direct you.

Raelyn said...

Ruby....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"He will provide you wisdom and work all things together for your good, because He loves you!". As in the promise of Romans 8:28? {I would quote it but--somehow--I lost an hours' sleep, so I'm afraid my premature short-term memory loss will interfere!! Even though I have that Bible verse memorized!! I am just feeling tired!!} ;)
"Ask Him to help your desires be His desires too.". That is good!! ;-D
"Right now you have exactly what you are meant to have and exactly what you do not need." Mmmm, Jared. I always liked his preaching, and was sad when your church took him away!! {Wink, wink!!} ;)
"Trust His timing, but keep asking Him to direct you.". I am going to transfer this entire comment to my Word Document journal!! Because. I need these wise words, Friend!! ;op