Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Bookstores

Blogging Friends.... Warning. This is yet another self-serving "therapy session". {Don't worry. I am not suffering from any minor mood swing-infused pity parties!! Yet. Oddly enough, I nearly always suffer from mood swings after writing these "therapy sessions". But, rest assured. I find it nearly impossible to fall into minor mood swing-infused pity parties during Christmastime!! So!! This could be interesting!!} So, come. Sit. Have a cup of tea, coffee, soda, wine, or just plain water. Read on as God gradually works through my life....
 
"Minuscule is good!

Trust me, it’s much better than thinking everything you do is important and meaningful. That is not good.” --Robert Downey Jr.
This was written on Monday and Tuesday. But I finished it last night. Sorry for the one day late posting!!
 
Bookstores. Among this mostly digital society which we currently find ourselves living in, they are seemingly a dying business. Sadly. Most of my family--Dad, Mom, oldest brother, plus sister--love, love, love bookstores. Whether it be Barnes & Noble. Our city's largest bookstore. Or some quaint little private shop at the beach. We stroll through bookstores, take our own sweet time, and watch as wallets swiftly lose weight. Because nearly everyone scores them some books!! Me? I enjoy American Girl, autobiographies, mysteries, and, of course, dog reference books. Now. I am going to reveal something strange, and probably shocking about myself. Ready? As a writer, who was always creating "stories" within my crazy, never-shuts-down head even during childhood, I rarely ever read. What....?! Well, thanks to my premature short-term memory loss, I lack reading comprehension skills. I always have. I always will. My Mom who graciously and patiently homeschooled me, tried. She did her best. But, truth be told? You cannot "fix" what is "broken". See, most children overcome reading comprehension issues. Me? I do not remember what was read just moments ago. Ask any of my test-giving teachers. Because. Premature short-term memory loss is one of my learning disabilities. Another reason why I rarely ever read? I would much rather be writing!! So. Bookstores have never really been my favorite choice of shopping locations. I do not excitedly jump up and down like Tigger from "Winnie the Pooh" whenever we have made a joint family decision to drive downtown toward our city's largest bookstore. That would be my sister!! Although. I do often score me some books during these trips!! American Girl. Autobiographies. Mysteries. At least four of my rapidly growing library of dog reference books. And altogether, I possess twenty-one!! Thus far!! We only drive to our city's largest bookstore once or twice annually, for it is located several miles away from here. But as for Barnes & Noble? There is one located within our nearest mall, so we walk through that bookstore nearly monthly. I look at their dog reference books. I scored one at a different Barnes & Noble store!! But, other than that, I seldom ever purchase anything there!! I have, however scored myself some American Girl books at Barnes & Noble!! But lately? Walking through Barnes & Noble {With its shelf-to-shelf stock of literature that authors published} makes every negative thought, feeling, plus emotion return and haunt me. Like some unwanted demon or ghost. No, I do not stumble into a minor mood swing-infused pity party. I never even shed any tears. No, I do not feel depressed. Just listless. Their children's book "room" is the hardest on me right now. Because. I am currently creating fictional children's stories. It feels like some haunted "room" where bony skeletons, gory zombies, or wart-faced witches reside. Whoa, Brain Juices. Whoa. Is it Halloween? Or Christmastime? I think they are confused!! I look around Barnes & Noble's children's book "room", and everywhere my brown eyes turn? It is inevitable. My brown eyes see books, books, books. They are displayed on tables. Plus wall-to-wall bookshelves. Published children's stories come in diverse variations. Some are, based on my opinion, written better than others. And I can't help but think this.

I should be a published author. My books should be sold here.
 
The last time we walked through Barnes & Noble, I halfheartedly stepped into their children's book "room". Repeatedly. I even touched a few books. But I never cracked any open. Because deep, deep, deep down inside, I was hurting emotionally for an unobtainable, broken, shattered dream. Just outside Barnes & Noble's children's book "room" are twain escalators. One made annoying squeaking sounds as it moved either up or down. I stood next to them, held onto a metal balcony and breathed everything in. It was Black Friday, so there were crowds of post-Thanksgiving Christmas shoppers. Adults. Teenagers. Toddlers. And I stood there {a writer} feeling as though I did not belong. In a freakin' bookstore. An outsider. As a learning disabled oddball, I oft feel that way. Like an outsider. I always have. I most likely always will. But in a bookstore? Never. I did wander Barnes & Noble's upstairs floor. I tried to battle my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I truly did. I cracked open a paperback book about this young man who was born with no limbs. It looked inspirational. But.
 
I should be a published author. My books should be sold here.
 
Those thoughts, feelings and emotions were stronger than I. I'm afraid they won the battle. Not a single tear trickled down my check, yet once again, I stood, defeated. You know what? I just remembered something. Like, today. Sometime last year, when I was working on my Life Story, me, the dreamer, was reading a cute children's book in Target. Then, I thought this. After publishing my "memoir", I could write children's stories. I've written a children's story before. I can do it again!! That's right. Children's stories!! Well, guess what? I have written four children's stories thus far since then!! Four. I am doing it. Published or not. Because I am a "children's writer"!! Not author. They are published. I am creating a new phrase!! I tend to do that!! Just one slight problem. This wandering aimlessly through Barnes & Noble because of my broken, shattered dream has been an ongoing issue. It is not disappearing anytime soon. I have considered sitting down and reading some published children's stories in an effort to glean ideas sans copying other's. But, I am a bit hard on books, I'm afraid. Barnes & Noble is no library, plus I do not need inspiration right now!! I can create some story unlike anybody else's.... Because I am an oddball, remember? I'm weird. I am different. I possess quirky interests!! But I must discover a method to solve this "bookstore situation". Because, I can't help but wonder. Will I always experience such negative thoughts, feelings and emotions while walking through bookstores? Huh? Our city's largest bookstore is no different than Barnes & Noble. If anything, it seems worse. Make these thoughts, feelings and emotions stop. Please. Make them go away. So, I came up with the only logical solution to this "bookstore situation". Ready? I am going to write!! I carry a journal with me everywhere, plus several clear Bic brand red pens. I will find myself somewhere to sit, and write something!! On a profoundly positive note. Save several minor mood swing-infused pity parties {Which I cannot control!!} I'm enjoying life on a level that I have not in a long, long, long time. Well over one decade. Because I am living life again. And for the first time in a long, long, long time, I'm attempting my very best to move forward rather than remain stuck. And I write.   
 

 

 

 

10 comments:

Ryker said...

I am glad to hear you have found a way to enjoy life...so important! Please continue to move forward and find peace and joy in all the miraculous things this amazing world has to offer. If writing brings you joy then write...for me, I love to garden and it is my therapy.

Molly The Wally said...

You just carry on and one day something surprising might happen. Nothing that is worth it comes easy and if it does it is transient and not sustainable. You are learning your craft and you must continue to become a master of the dance with words. God Bless.
Have a wonderful Wednesday.
Best wishes Molly

Raelyn said...

Ryker....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"I am glad to hear you have found a way to enjoy life...so important!". I can't but agree!! ;-D
"Please continue to move forward and find peace and joy in all the miraculous things this amazing world has to offer. If writing brings you joy then write.". Thanks, Friend!! ;op

Raelyn said...

Molly....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"You just carry on and one day something surprising might happen. Nothing that is worth it comes easy and if it does it is transient and not sustainable. You are learning your craft and you must continue to become a master of the dance with words.". Keep calm and write on? I have that copied from the Internet in my Word Document journal/diary!! Thanks, Friend!! ;op

Tweedles -- that's me said...

Write to make yourself happy--- not for anyone else. Life is short-- so we gotta be happy-- so keep those words coming!
love
tweedles

Raelyn said...

Tweedles....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"Write to make yourself happy--- not for anyone else. Life is short-- so we gotta be happy-- so keep those words coming!". Thank-you!! And I do write to make myself happy!! ;op

Dip-Dip and the Bridge said...

The most precious gift in life is finding something you enjoy doing. That is the best reason :)
Lynne x

Raelyn said...

Lynne....
Thank-you for commenting, Friend!!
"The most precious gift in life is finding something you enjoy doing. That is the best reason.". You are absolutely right, Friend!! ;op

Sherri said...

Raelyn, keep on writing if that is your dream. Go to bookstores if that is your inspiration. Feed your imagination and don't give up. I'm in an in-between point in my life and can't tell you what my dreams are anymore. HOLD ON TO YOURS.

Raelyn said...

Sherri....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"Keep on writing if that is your dream. Go to bookstores if that is your inspiration. Feed your imagination and don't give up. I'm in an in-between point in my life and can't tell you what my dreams are anymore. HOLD ON TO YOURS.". Thanks, Friend!! I really, really, really needed to read that!! Writing is my "dream", published or not. Which Mom has told me!! But I oft forget it. ;)
I hope that you find some "dreams" in life that are worth living for, Friend, whatever they may be.... ;op