Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Broken

Blogging Friends.... This post took all weekend long to write, it was such a difficult subject. Such a difficult subject. See, writing, for me, doubles as therapy. That being mentioned. This post was a "therapy session", if you will. Self-acceptance issues can be brutal, yet beautiful. For "riding mood swings" is, mentally, much like a surfer riding the waves. Got that? Mood swing-infused pity parties being our mighty ocean, you hang on tight, meanwhile battling crashing waves, hoping beyond hope that you'll never drown. The goal is to survive, swim away stronger, and gain maturity. And I do. So. Surf's up?
 
"It" just had to return and haunt me, like some unwanted ghost or demon. See, I thought I'd dealt with this issue regarding being learning disabled. If first mentally fleeing from palpable, palpable, palpable feelings of jealousy, comparison, and disappointment is even considered "dealing". But, that's my survivor's mechanism. I mentally run far, far, far away from any emotional pain, formulating creative escape routes along the way until "it" corners me like in a losing game of Checkers. And this always, always, always occurs. Because, inevitably, there is no way out, for I cannot outrun "it". I can't win. During such experiences, I am mentally a tough loner drifter, like Wolverine from X-Men. Then, finally, after spending quite some time fighting them back, fresh wet tears freely stream down my face. I am rendered vulnerable. Then, I'm left with no other choice but to deal with "it". This occurred during early Summer, as the days were growing longer, warmer, lazier. It was June or July. Fast forward. Brisk morning Autumn breezes are now in the air, trees' leaves have changed colors. It is September. A good three months later. "It" just had to return and haunt me, like some unwanted ghost or demon. See, I thought I'd dealt with this issue regarding being learning disabled. I had long ago kicked "it" out of my head, my heart, my soul. But "it" was not out of my life. So. What is this "it", that I have so mysteriously expressed? Well.... First things first. "It" feels like an emotionally difficult subject, and one that my sponge-like brain is still soaking up, making complete sense of. Because. "It" is complicated. And, to make matters furthermore difficult. There is a sturdy brick wall--virtually speaking--which I have recently constructed, standing proudly against "it". And not even Ty Pennington or his "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" crew can produce demolition on this self-created barrier. No. Because destructing this virtual brick wall is my job, for I created it. And then God {Who it turns out, can be a bit tough!!} whispered these words into my heart and soul. So. You have been mentally running from this. Hmmm. How is that working out for you? See. You cannot be a mental drifter forever!! No. You must face this head-on!! It turns out, that God said just what I needed to hear!! So. {This was written in my Word Document journal/diary entry!! With a few added changes, of course!!} What is this "it", that I have so mysteriously expressed? Well.... "It" is a cosmic, unobtainable dream, broken like precious shattered china dishes. To be an author. For various reasons, I cannot pursue this dream. But, you know what? People can create beautiful mosaic artwork with shattered china pieces!! Yes, beautiful mosaic artwork. And, you know what? As a writer, that is what I have been unintentionally doing all along, metaphorically speaking!! Making mosaic artwork with the precious shattered china pieces of this cosmic, unobtainable dream!! I mean, really. I possess the liberty to write about any subject or genre my crazy heart and soul desires!! Think about that. I can write true stories about Rose.... Or Robert Downey Jr., meanwhile striving hard to paint pictures with words!! Can a published author achieve that? More often than not--according to observation--they are stuck on either writing about vampires and werewolves, magical wizards, or just one genre like some poor typecasted Hollywood actor. So. I have created mosaic artwork with the shattered china pieces of this cosmic, unobtainable dream!! Cool. October is fast approaching us. I already have a Writing Project in mind to create for my new Blog, "Minuscule is good!". Funny. It's story, characters, and details are jumbled up like some jigsaw puzzle, just awaiting to be made into beautiful mosaic artwork....
 
Those promised Rose stories? They shall come!! I am currently writing a much lighter-subjected Rose-related story!! So stay tuned!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7 comments:

Molly The Wally said...

OK firstly you write and you may be an author.....you are not an author and therefore you write....right. Just go with what feels right and stop worrying about what may be or may not. We are looking forward to Roses' stories. Please don't put yourself down you have talent otherwise we would not keep coming back. Take care and keep on scribing.
Best wishes Molly

Raelyn said...

Molly....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
"OK, firstly you write and you may be an author.....you are not an author and therefore you write....right.". Which means.... Wait. What?! Translation? Because I write, this makes me an author, published or not? How was that? ;)
"Just go with what feels right and stop worrying about what may be or may not. Please don't put yourself down, you have talent, otherwise we would not keep coming back.". Thanks, Friend!! ;op

chicamom85 said...

A writer, writes always! Keep going and never give up. The person who made the mosaic from broken pieces, didnt do it all quickly. It took time, just like what you are doing will take time. Stay with it and it will happen. Don't let anyone tell you that are not good enough. It is simply not true

Anne and Sasha

Raelyn said...

Anne and Sasha....
Thank-you for the comment, Friends!!
"A writer, writes always!". I can't but agree!! ;)
"The person who made the mosaic from broken pieces, didn't do it all quickly. It took time, just like what you are doing will take time.". Wow. I never thought about it like that!! Thanks for the perspective!! ;-D
"Don't let anyone tell you that are not good enough. It is simply not true.". Nobody tells that me I am not good enough. Nobody. But me. ;op


Raelyn said...

Whoops!!
Nobody tells --me-- that I am not good enough. Nobody. But me. ;)

Ryker said...

Staying tuned, bring on the Rosie!

Raelyn said...

RYKER....
Thank-you for the comment, Friend!!
Yes, Rose stories are coming!! ;op