"A Terrible Privilege"

Blogging Friends.... I'm due for a story, this I know. However, I am on "staycation" this week!! Those are the best kind of "holidays" for a simple, homebody girl like me!! We're planning on spending tomorrow at our beach, so if your comments take longer than usual being "published", that is why....

Inspiration. It can occur during the most unlikely of moments sometimes. Correct? And, inspiration can also be conceived from the most unlikely of people. Or the most unlikely of movie characters. This happened to me. Because last month, when I was sitting in a local movie theater watching "The Avengers", popcorn's buttery aroma filling its room, my inspiration came from Tony Stark!! That's right. Tony Stark!! Yeah, I am feeling a bit shocked about that myself!! Tony Stark?! As a writer, part of the "job" is describing locations, people, or our five senses, even. It's at least 50% observance. And I have a few select words to describe Tony Stark, not all of them positive. Yet, somehow, he is so likable!! How does Robert Downey Jr. do that? Good acting? Charm? Both? So, there I was, sitting in my theater chair, when this scene took its turn on the screen:

Tony Stark: You know, I've got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart.
[Stark points at the mini-arc reactor in his chest]
Tony Stark: This stops it. This little circle of light. It's part of me now, not just armor. It's a... terrible privilege.
Bruce Banner: But you can control it.
Tony Stark: Because I learned how.
Bruce Banner: It's different.
[Banner tries to read the computer screen, but Stark slides the data aside with his finger so the two can see face-to-face]
Tony Stark: Hey, I've read all about your accident. That much gamma exposure should have killed you.
Bruce Banner: So you're saying that the Hulk... the other guy... saved my life? That's nice. It's a nice sentiment. Save it for... what?
Tony Stark: I guess we'll find out.
[Banner and Stark get back to work at their respective computers]
Bruce Banner: You might not like that.
Tony Stark: You just might.

Watching this scene of "The Avengers" in that darkened movie theater, Tony Stark reached through its colossal-sized screen, and, with his muscular arms, he grabbed me!! Captured my attention. Tony Stark held on tight, and, thus far, his grip has not loosened!! Why did Tony Stark grab me, figuratively speaking, during that scene in "The Avengers"? Because.... Watching it, I realized that, personality-wise, I am just like Bruce Banner. I'm different. Weird. A little bit crazy. Learning disabled. And I do not want any of it!! No. I wish to be normal, whatever "normal" is. Like Bruce Banner. He did not want his powers!! See, no child behaviorist or psychologist ever "diagnosed" my Attention Deficit Disorder and short-term memory loss. We were told along the way that I have "developmental delays". "Developmental delays"?! What on Earth does that mean? Like Rose, I am a "mystery", too!! That's what it means!! Not knowing has been both a positive, plus a negative. For over one decade now, I have struggled mightily--and privately--with accepting myself, which has recently lead to solving the mystery that is me. Because, come on. Every mystery needs solving!! I have somehow always known that I'm different. I was constantly made fun of and called mean names by neighborhood, or church kids as a girl. Stories which feature misfits touch my heartstrings. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is practically a kindred spirit to me!! But, until I "graduated" from Home School over ten years ago, I was blissfully ignorant about my learning disabilities. Blissfully ignorant. Nothing--not even seeing a psychologist at age 12 for state testing--weighed me down. My mind contained ever-changing ambitions. When I "graduated" from Home School at age 18, all of that was aborted. Suddenly, my learning disabilities became burdens. Limitations. Curses. And, for over a decade, they've stood as powerful obstacles against happiness. I have felt small and insignificant, like a single speck of sand. But during the past two years, God has whispered into my ears that there is nothing wrong with being different. Nothing wrong. Since 2010, as I have been figuring myself out, I've bounced back and forth like some pressurized air-filled tennis ball against a racket. From acceptance to plain stubbornness. I cannot be at peace with my learning disabilities. I won't!! My short-term memory loss causes me to feel middle-aged and stupid. I feel like Dory the blue fish character from Disney/Pixar's "Finding Nemo". And I am 28-years old!! Why would I want that? Plus I have zero control over my short-term memory loss!! Zero control. Like Rose's baying. It is instinctive, from the Beagle within her DNA. She cannot control this eardrum-piercing "happy sound"!! Yet Rose never wallows in self-pity!! And neither does Tony Stark!! Tony Stark has readily accepted himself for who he is. Readily accepted himself. Tony Stark is comfortable with who he has become.... Iron Man and all. Seriously. I'm exhausted by allowing my feelings and emotions to be bounced around. I'm tired of this bumpy roller coaster ride that I am on. I want off, I want off, I want off!! I desire to return. Pull back time. To where I am a young girl blissfully ignorant that I'm different. But I cannot. The emotional damage is done. Going back seems impossible now. I will never again see that young girl. Never again. I want to be like Tony Stark.... "You know, I've got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart. This stops it. This little circle of light. It's part of me now, not just armor. It's a... terrible privilege." Wow....I am in a positive, happy place right now, contemplating these lines. Analyzing them. Heedless of never being able to go back!! I am feeling gratitude. Especially for Blogville!! This is a rare location, online of all places, where I feel loved and accepted. For who I am!! Yes, I'm weird and a little bit crazy!! Is that negative? No. Because in Blogville, I don't feel like a misfit, for I'm not alone anymore!! I'm not alone anymore. And for that, I am grateful. So very grateful.