Tuesday, June 12, 2012

"A Terrible Privilege"

Blogging Friends.... I'm due for a story, this I know. However, I am on "staycation" this week!! Those are the best kind of "holidays" for a simple, homebody girl like me!! We're planning on spending tomorrow at our beach, so if your comments take longer than usual being "published", that is why....

Inspiration. It can occur during the most unlikely of moments sometimes. Correct? And, inspiration can also be conceived from the most unlikely of people. Or the most unlikely of movie characters. This happened to me. Because last month, when I was sitting in a local movie theater watching "The Avengers", popcorn's buttery aroma filling its room, my inspiration came from Tony Stark!! That's right. Tony Stark!! Yeah, I am feeling a bit shocked about that myself!! Tony Stark?! As a writer, part of the "job" is describing locations, people, or our five senses, even. It's at least 50% observance. And I have a few select words to describe Tony Stark, not all of them positive. Yet, somehow, he is so likable!! How does Robert Downey Jr. do that? Good acting? Charm? Both? So, there I was, sitting in my theater chair, when this scene took its turn on the screen:

Tony Stark: You know, I've got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart.
[Stark points at the mini-arc reactor in his chest]
Tony Stark: This stops it. This little circle of light. It's part of me now, not just armor. It's a... terrible privilege.
Bruce Banner: But you can control it.
Tony Stark: Because I learned how.
Bruce Banner: It's different.
[Banner tries to read the computer screen, but Stark slides the data aside with his finger so the two can see face-to-face]
Tony Stark: Hey, I've read all about your accident. That much gamma exposure should have killed you.
Bruce Banner: So you're saying that the Hulk... the other guy... saved my life? That's nice. It's a nice sentiment. Save it for... what?
Tony Stark: I guess we'll find out.
[Banner and Stark get back to work at their respective computers]
Bruce Banner: You might not like that.
Tony Stark: You just might.
Watching this scene of "The Avengers" in that darkened movie theater, Tony Stark reached through its colossal-sized screen, and, with his muscular arms, he grabbed me!! Captured my attention. Tony Stark held on tight, and, thus far, his grip has not loosened!! Why did Tony Stark grab me, figuratively speaking, during that scene in "The Avengers"? Because.... Watching it, I realized that, personality-wise, I am just like Bruce Banner. I'm different. Weird. A little bit crazy. Learning disabled. And I do not want any of it!! No. I wish to be normal, whatever "normal" is. Like Bruce Banner. He did not want his powers!! See, no child behaviorist or psychologist ever "diagnosed" my Attention Deficit Disorder and short-term memory loss. We were told along the way that I have "developmental delays". "Developmental delays"?! What on Earth does that mean? Like Rose, I am a "mystery", too!! That's what it means!! Not knowing has been both a positive, plus a negative. For over one decade now, I have struggled mightily--and privately--with accepting myself, which has recently lead to solving the mystery that is me. Because, come on. Every mystery needs solving!! I have somehow always known that I'm different. I was constantly made fun of and called mean names by neighborhood, or church kids as a girl. Stories which feature misfits touch my heartstrings. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is practically a kindred spirit to me!! But, until I "graduated" from Home School over ten years ago, I was blissfully ignorant about my learning disabilities. Blissfully ignorant. Nothing--not even seeing a psychologist at age 12 for state testing--weighed me down. My mind contained ever-changing ambitions. When I "graduated" from Home School at age 18, all of that was aborted. Suddenly, my learning disabilities became burdens. Limitations. Curses. And, for over a decade, they've stood as powerful obstacles against happiness. I have felt small and insignificant, like a single speck of sand. But during the past two years, God has whispered into my ears that there is nothing wrong with being different. Nothing wrong. Since 2010, as I have been figuring myself out, I've bounced back and forth like some pressurized air-filled tennis ball against a racket. From acceptance to plain stubbornness. I cannot be at peace with my learning disabilities. I won't!! My short-term memory loss causes me to feel middle-aged and stupid. I feel like Dory the blue fish character from Disney/Pixar's "Finding Nemo". And I am 28-years old!! Why would I want that? Plus I have zero control over my short-term memory loss!! Zero control. Like Rose's baying. It is instinctive, from the Beagle within her DNA. She cannot control this eardrum-piercing "happy sound"!! Yet Rose never wallows in self-pity!! And neither does Tony Stark!! Tony Stark has readily accepted himself for who he is. Readily accepted himself. Tony Stark is comfortable with who he has become.... Iron Man and all. Seriously. I'm exhausted by allowing my feelings and emotions to be bounced around. I'm tired of this bumpy roller coaster ride that I am on. I want off, I want off, I want off!! I desire to return. Pull back time. To where I am a young girl blissfully ignorant that I'm different. But I cannot. The emotional damage is done. Going back seems impossible now. I will never again see that young girl. Never again. I want to be like Tony Stark.... "You know, I've got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart. This stops it. This little circle of light. It's part of me now, not just armor. It's a... terrible privilege." Wow....I am in a positive, happy place right now, contemplating these lines. Analyzing them. Heedless of never being able to go back!! I am feeling gratitude. Especially for Blogville!! This is a rare location, online of all places, where I feel loved and accepted. For who I am!! Yes, I'm weird and a little bit crazy!! Is that negative? No. Because in Blogville, I don't feel like a misfit, for I'm not alone anymore!! I'm not alone anymore. And for that, I am grateful. So very grateful.









12 comments:

Dip-Dip and the Bridge said...

It's amazing who can inspire us with just a word or a piece of text.
Lynne x

scotsmad said...

Blogville, because it's inhabited by animals accepts everyone!

XXXOOO Daisy, Bella & Roxy

Alison said...

Have a great time on your "staycation" Raelyn! The beach is the best place for fun and relaxation.

Suka said...

Hi,

I have also been inspired by movies. Inspiration can come from anywhere, anything. And how fascinating that this movie touched you in such a strong, positive, deep way. I am glad you found strength from the words, emotions of this scene. It always seems that things we need to hear or see are provided to us, but we must be open, and ready, to receive the message. You were open to the message, and it has now inspired you to become more confident and accepting of yourself, and that is really a wonderful gift. Learning to love and accept yourself unconditionally, for who you are, and then to be at peace with yourself, is a great achievement.

I am sorry to read you were made fun of and bullied. It is difficult to go through that. I also experienced bullying in school and it really effected me, so I know how you must have felt. But now you have Rosie so the world is right! At least I feel that way with my pets! :->

K and Suka

Raelyn said...

Lynne....
Thank-you for the comment!!
I know, right? ;op

Raelyn said...

Daisy, Bella & Roxy....
"Blogville, because it's inhabited by animals accepts everyone!" For that I am grateful. Words cannot even express my gratitude, believe it or not!! ;op

Raelyn said...

Alison....
Thank-you for the comment!!
"The beach is the best place for fun and relaxation.". Agreed!! The ocean is breathtakingly serene and beautiful!! ;op

Raelyn said...

K and Suka....
Thank-you for the comment!!
"Inspiration can come from anywhere, anything. And how fascinating that this movie touched you in such a strong, positive, deep way. I am glad you found strength from the words, emotions of this scene. It always seems that things we need to hear or see are provided to us, but we must be open, and ready, to receive the message. You were open to the message, and it has now inspired you to become more confident and accepting of yourself, and that is really a wonderful gift. Learning to love and accept yourself unconditionally, for who you are, and then to be at peace with yourself, is a great achievement." I needed this encouragement, Blogging Friend!! Thank-you!! ;-D
I, too, have been inspired by movies. Lots of times. But.... Tony Stark?! Do you even know this character?! Yeah. still shocked.... ;-}
I am sorry that you were made fun of, bullied and/or called mean names, too!! That's never fun!! "But now (I) have Rosie so the world is right!". Agreed!! Oh, agreed!! ;op

chicamom85 said...

Thanks for visiting my blog, I hope we can be pals now. I love staycations cause I love when my family is home with me.

Loveys Sasha

Wow that was a beautiful post. I am a very strong believer of inner beauty as I was bullied and made fun of my whole life. I have instilled this in my daughter, to look inside before you judge. I will always remember when at age 5 she first saw Beauty and the Beast(our favorite Disney) that she cried when Beast turned into the Prince, she wanted him to stay in the Beast form and be happy with Belle. This spoke to me that she had excepted the outside and now that he had inner beauty, he didn't need to change his appearance. God bless you

Anne

Raelyn said...

Sasha....
Thank-you for the comment!! And becoming a Member of my Blog!! Wow!! ;)
I would love to be friends!! I agree. I like "staycations" because in the end of the day, Rose is by my side!! ;-D
Anne....
Thank-you for the comment!!
This made me smile!! We love "Beauty and the Beast" around here, too!! What a great animated film!! Beast was very handsome just the way he was, huh? ;op

Two Doodles and a Dane said...

Staycaitions are the best.

Lovely meaningful post as always, we sure do love reading your blog! <3

Slobbers

Raelyn said...

Two Doodles and a Dane....
Thank-you for the comment!!
Awww.... You're so sweet!! ;op