Meant To Be

Several months ago, in September, I discovered that Rose is a Beagle/German Shepherd mix, the result of an "accidental crossbreeding". It was quite obvious!! I mean, who in their own right mind would deliberately breed a large-sized canine with a medium-sized dog? And, while there may be exceptions to this, Rose is an "Oops Baby". That's right!! She is the result of twain canines who were never spayed/neutered. "Papa" Beagle most likely escaped his confinement, met "Mama" German Shepherd.... Then Sixty-three days or so later, alongside her littermates, Rose entered this world!! And I am so glad she was conceived!! Even by "accident". Back in September, I was visiting with my neighbor, Pat. She is a sweet talkative woman who lives with her husband, Gary. We seldom ever converse, since I reside across the cul-de-sac from their lovely-looking house. I was telling Pat, in a rather proud tone of voice, that Rose is "an Oops Baby". I said: "She's a Beagle/German Shepherd." For once, there was confidence in my voice, as nobody truly knows what kind of canine Rose is. I used to mention her "breed"--which changed three times as we guessed--then swiftly add an "I think." What can I say? Rose is a mystery!! After declaring her mix to Pat, I slowly added, "She's an 'Oops Baby'." In other words, Rose was a chance happening.... Right? Then, Pat glanced down at my mongrel, and asked, as though Rose could answer her: "Were you an 'oops'? No.... You were meant to be."

I am different. I'm unlike anybody who enters and passes through our lives. I am different from most of my family members, even. I have learning disabilities. Attention Deficit Disorder. And short-term memory loss. No child behaviorist or psychologist ever "diagnosed" my neurological conditions. We were told along the way that I have "developmental delays". Really?! "Developmental delays"? What exactly does that mean? Like Rose, I am a mystery, too!! That's what it means. Not knowing has been both a positive, plus a negative. For over one decade now, I have struggled mightily--and privately--with accepting myself, which has recently lead to solving the mystery that is me. Because, come on. Every mystery needs solving!! I've somehow always known that I am different. I was constantly made fun of and called mean names by neighborhood, or church kids as a girl. Stories which feature misfits touch my heartstrings. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is practically a kindred spirit to me!! But until I "graduated" from Home School over ten years ago, I was blissfully ignorant about my learning disabilities. Nothing--not even seeing a psychologist at age 12 for state testing--weighed me down. My mind held ever-changing ambitions. When I "graduated" from Home School at age 18, all of that was aborted. Suddenly, my learning disabilities became burdens. Limitations. Curses. And, for over a decade, they have stood as powerful obstacles against happiness. All I've wanted is to be normal.... Whatever "normal" is. Sometimes, more often than not, I feel like a mutant from X-Men. Different. A freak. Misunderstood. I feel small and insignificant, like a single speck of sand. But during the past two years, God has whispered into my ears that there is nothing wrong with being different. Nothing. Since 2010, I have figured myself out.... And "ping-ponged" from acceptance to plain stubbornness. I cannot be at peace with my learning disabilities. I won't. My short-term memory loss causes me to feel middle aged and stupid. And I have zero control over it!! This produces many of my frustrations. A nearly 28-year old is not supposed to forget what she ate for dinner last night!! But I do.... All the time. My Attention Deficit Disorder? What is that like? It makes my brain wander, to the point of utter distraction. I can successfully control this condition, though, sans any prescription drugs. Like a fish being caught for dinner, my wanderlust brain simply needs "reeling in"!! But sometimes, the ADD commands me. Then, I "catch" it. Sometimes, I need to allow my brain to run free.... Or I will go crazy!! I can also "work" the condition to my advantage. Having Attention Deficit Disorder is kind of cool, actually!! This will prove to be a learning experience for me.... As I embark on accepting myself. An arduous journey....

Rose was born different. She is my "Medium Dog-Big Dog"!! Rose has the Beagle's face/ears/eyes. I love that about her!! And the German Shepherd's body.... In medium!! I love that about her, as well!! Rose had no choice in the matter of being different, either--better than our next door neighbor's purebred Beagle--and she is beautifully unique!! Meant to be....